I wonder why you don't see any fat Jedis. Cause I know if I could grab shit from far away like that, I'd be 800 pounds cause I'd never leave my chair. — madmazurk
What if you put a puppet's arm up his own ass? Could he control himself then? What sort of metaphysical possibilities would this entail? — madmazurk
When you're a teacher, every day in August is like Sunday night. — downpour
Playing HORSE in China has got to suck. It's only one character. — madmazurk
Want to eat your cake and have it too? Try new Schröedinger's Cake! — RavenWord
Washington D.C. is the only place in the world where you can be at exactly the right address but still only have a 25% chance of being where you are. — Adam Brodsky
Imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.
In the future I'll try to avoid mischaracterizing or stereotyping hockey players, most of whom are truly wonderful people considering that they have no teeth. — Joel Achenbach, Washington Post
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, everyone knows me here.
You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm! — Titus to his dad
You can't outrun Death forever but you can make the Bastard work for it
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
I've never had an original thought in my life, so this opinion must be someone else's fault.
Lawn Ranger Motto: You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
To you and me, this rice means nothing. But to my ancestors, the rice is sacred. Don't mess with family. Appologize to the rice.— Chow Yun Fat
When your wife asks "do I look fat?" Do you reply:
— Darrell Hammond
- "Yeah, you could lose a few."
- "You look more beautiful than you ever did."
- "Wait, let me get my protective headgear."
The new alcohol warning label: If you can read this, then you are not done drinking yet. — Neondmc@aol.com
There's two types of people in the world: people who constantly have casual sex with lots of different strangers, and jealous people. — Ardal O'Hannlan
If you expect a kick in the balls and you get a slap in the face then it's a victory
If all the world is a stage and we're just actors, then I need to have a serious talk with the director about my motivation for this part.
[Washington Redskins owner Dan] Snyder claims he needs 8-foot walls enclosed by 10-foot fences to keep out deer. What, elite deer commando units? — Tuesday Morning Quarterback
The two most important things I learned from anime:
- When you die, make a long speech, and don't finish the last sentence.
- When someone paints up their face, they mean business.
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
There are days when my own performance is so unimpressive I feel like filing a shareholder suit against the company on grounds that it employs me. — Joel Achenbach, Washington Post
Pain: A cat licking your sunburn.
Russell Crowe describes Gladiator as a movie "opening with a massive battle scene before moving on to a series of massive battle scenes which set the stage for a massive battle scene resulting in a final battle scene which I would describe as massive."
A new study has found that cigar smokers are twice as likely as nonsmokers to get cancer of the mouth, throat and lungs. And according to the exhaustive study, cigar smokers are more than nine times as likely as nonsmokers to "look like a total ass." — Daily Buzzsaw
Little known fact: The eleventh and least-publicized plague that God rained down upon the Egyptians was that "Not-so-fresh feeling" — Nick DeCamp
Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
What's the weather like up your own ass? — Even Step(v)hen, the Daily Show
Sideshow Mel: You only live once!
Apu: Hey, speak for yourself!
I'm like a blind, bored monkey with a killer imagination - Vertilgo
I just won an eBay auction.
By "won," I of course mean that I earned the right to pay more than anyone else was willing to for an item the seller didn't want.
Yay me. — Lore (L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg)
When you get right down to it, turkey is not a bad choice for a feast holiday. Turkeys are low fat, reasonably gigantic, and they make good cartoon characters for holiday specials. What cracks me up is the supposed scientific finding that gets bandied about this time of year that says that turkey contains a chemical that makes you sleepy, as if the people who had ham instead are out roller blading after dinner. When you consume your weight in buttered foodstuffs, you're going to feel a bit nappish, turkey or no turkey. — L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg
[This is what] separates the men from individuals who merely have X and Y chromosome pairs. — Gregg Easterbrook
'Cause I'm as low as I can get without kissing your ass and blowin' you at the same time — Laughing Colors, War on Drugs
Whatever happened to sex, drugs, & rock 'n' roll? Now we just have AIDS, crack, & techno — Laughing Colors, War on Drugs
"Negative feedback" is such an oxy-damn-moron — Mary Prankster, Part Deux
Now, what's meteorologist mean in English? It means liar. — Lewis Black
Socrates once said, "an unexamined life is a life not lived."
My dad once said "Booty: mm-mmm" — Titus
Dylan Thomas wrote "Do not go gentle into that good night, rage, rage against the dying of the light"
My dad wrote a poem too, "Dune buggies! Whooohoo!"
. . .
I could never get Erin into my extreme life, she even wrote a poem about it. It goes "Dune buggies! Aaaaggghhh!" and then it goes "Aaaaggghhh!"
It rhymes. — Titus
If Guys Rules The World
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
I knew that the weather in this country was completely out of control and that something was wrong, ten years ago. I was in Boston Mass. in February. Normally, in February in Boston and in most of the country, the weather is grey, rainy grey, sleet grey rain grey sleet, snow grey, everyday it just gets greyer and greyer and greyer. You wake up one day and you go "I'm not coming to work." Your boss goes "Why not, you sick?" "No, it's too grey! I dunno if it's dawn or dusk! I don't even know why the sun bothers to come out."
And then you wake up, and it's the greyest day you've ever seen. And the next day, it's even greyer! And that's usually Valentine's Day and that's the day you look at your wrists and go "Hey, maybe I should slit 'em, to see color."
But in that February in Boston . . . in four days I experienced five seasons. It was 30, it was 60, it was 90, it was 12! On the last day, there was thunder, lightning and snow . . . together! And I hadn't done drugs! Because when you're lying in bed and you hear thunder outside, and you get up to look, you have an expectation. And it's not snow, with lightning behind it. That's . . . not . . . right! They don't even write about that kind of weather in the Bible! And I imagine if a prophet had seen that kind of weather, after he wiped the poop out of his pants he'd have told us about it!
I was supposed to work that night and I said I'm not coming in, I'm scared to death. Cuz I know what the next season's gonna be: locusts. And there will come a time, mark my works, where there will be a season of just great big giant frogs that fall from the sky. Oh yeah, look at me like I'm nuts, you'll see Willard Scott . . . Willard Scott . . . he smiles so much I don't think he has a central nervous system. Willard Scott will be standing in front of the Washington Monument dressed in a chipmunk outfit, and giant frogs will be bouncing off his head. And he'll be going "Giant frogs, giant frogs, what can I say? Back to you." — Lewis Black
The only thing we've come up with to deal with the fact that we don't have an ozone layer is sunblock. And I don't trust that stuff at all. Why? Because the people who told us about sunblock are the same people who said eggs are good. And then they said eggs were bad. Then they said eggs are good. Then they said they were bad. Then they said the yellows were actually bad but the whites are MAKE UP YOUR MINDS! It's breakfast I gotta eat!
You'll find out about sunblock in a number of years. You'll find out that that's the reason you had cholesterol. They'll go "It wasn't the steak, it was the sunblock."
I don't use sunblock. What I use is Crisco. It's the best! You get a tub of it, it costs about a buck, ten. You can share it with everybody at the beach. And the great thing about Crisco is you never get burnt. 'Cause when you start to sizzle, you move your ass. — Lewis Black
The Postal Service is launching a new service to allow people to pay all their bills electronically online at its new web site, "USPSeBillPay.com." The post office will handle all the transactions and electronic security for the service, which uses the slogan, "Pay Your Bills On Time . . . Because We Know Where You Live, and We're Armed." — Daily Buzzsaw
Money can't buy happiness, but you can be sad in a better neighborhood.
We recently heard a live recording overlaid with a couple's conversation. The guy says: "I'm going to get another beer." The girl replies: "Why?" The guy: "There's no answer to that question." Underneath this you can hear us unwittingly serving as the background music. — John Linnell
[In NoVa] you cannot go anywhere, not even to your next-door neighbor's house, except by automobile. Pedestrians in Northern Virginia are arrested on sight, on suspicion of being prison escapees. — Joel Achenbach, Washington Post
Prediction: "[During the Bush administration] there will be more importance placed on emphasizing the power, strength and abilities of products as our country's armed forces recapture government (and public) acclaim."
Clinton-era campaign: Altoids -- "Curiously strong mints."
Possible Bush-era replacement: Altoids -- "Mints that will kick your ass." — Salon
Now you see that evil will always triumph . . . because good is dumb — Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
Head! Paper! Now! Move that melon of yours and get the paper if you can! Haulin' that gargantuan cranium about! I'm not kidding, that boy's head's like Sputnik! Spherical, but quite pointy in parts. — Stewart, So I Married an Ax Murderer
Stewart: William! Move your head! Look at the size of that boy's head!
Stewart: I'm not kidding, that's like an orange on a toothpick!
Tony: Shh! You're going to give the kid a complex.
Stewart: Well, that's a huge noggin! That's a virtual planetoid! Has its own weather system! Head! Move! — So I Married an Ax Murderer
Vezzini: He didn't fall? Inconceivable!
Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. — Princess Bride
You mean you'll put down your rock, and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people? — Wesley, Princess Bride
Haha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is: Never get involved in a land war in Asia. Only slightly less well know is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! — Vezzini, Princess Bride
University President: You passed out cigarettes for a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day, you installed speed bumps on the handicap ramps, and most recently, you dumped a hundred pounds of . . . meat, on a peaceful vegan protest!
Droz: Oh, come on! That was way more than a hundred pounds! — PCU
That's the beauty of college these days, Tommy! You can major in GameBoy if you know how to bullshit! — Droz, PCU
I am not in love with my sadness. we're just dating. - Vertilgo
Droz: Well, here's all you need to know. Classes, nothing before 11. Beer, its your best friend, you drink a lot of it. Women, you're a freshman, so its pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car?
Tom: Uh, no.
Droz: Someone on your hall will . . . find them and make friends with them on the first day. — PCU
See this? It says NYPD and that means I will kNock Your Punk-ass Down! — J, MiB
Whooops! Hey! Lookout! I think you sat in some cottage cheese. Pardon me, that's your ass! — Tony Clifton
Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like those, I'd have to kick my own ass. — Happy Gilmore
Shooter: You're in big trouble pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
Happy: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast? — Happy Gilmore
We came . . . we saw . . . we kicked its ass! — Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters
Ray: I think we better split up.
Egon: Good idea.
Venkman: Yeah, we can do more damage that way. — Ghostbusters
Excuse me sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT, because if it leaks to the VC, you could end up an MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP. — Cronauer, Good Morning Vietnam
If it's being done correctly here or abroad, it's probably NOT being done by the Army. — Cronauer, Good Morning Vietnam
Cronauer as Walker Cronkite: Weather out there today is hot and shitty, with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow, a chance of continued crappy weather, pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass . . . — Good Morning Vietnam
Don't think twice. It's understanding that makes it possible for people like us to tolerate a person like yourself. — Ferris Bueller
Girl: Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious. — Ferris Bueller's Day Off
I don't even have a piece of shit! I have to envy yours. — Ferris Bueller
Debra: [to Gina] We're both screwed. At least you're used to it. — Empire Records
Joe: Why don't you hold these up to your chest, go over to the wall; and let them take some photographs of you?
Warren: Why don't you shove them up your ass?
Lucas: Because that would hurt a lot, Warren. — Empire Records
A.J.: What's with you Today?
Lucas: What's with today, today? — Empire Records
Julie: That's flesh that you're shoveling into your mouth. You know, that was like, a living, breathing creature, you know it probably had a name.
Marcus: It's just bologna. My bologna has a first name. — Bad Boys
You know, I have one simple request . . . and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. — Dr. Evil
DR. EVIL! I didn't spend six years in evil medical school to be called 'Mister' thank you very much. — Dr. Evil
This case, I think we have to go all out! I think this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture, be done on somebody's part! And we're just the guys to do it! — Otter, Animal House
When I finally met my online sweetheart PRINCESS_butterfly26 face to face, she was everything she had described and more. More bulges, more facial hair, more chromosomes. More of everything. Excluding teeth. Less teeth. — Nick DeCamp
A face without a smile is like a day without sunshine . . . but a smile without a face is something that will haunt you for the rest of your days. — Joe Martin
My parents used to tell me, "Don't run with scissors!"
If I had kids I'd tell 'em don't dance with wolves and don't run with magnets because you'll get stuck to the fridge. But you know kids, they have to learn everything the hard way and I'll have chewed up kids stuck all over the fridge making a royal mess. — Denise
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
Veterinarian's Office sign:
"All unattended children will be given a free kitten"
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
If you spoke in grammatical sentences for 20 seconds on American television you could not help but begin to sound evil or sinister. — David Thomson
The best parties are the ones where you wake up wearing someone else's
pants. — Nick DeCamp
If there is a nonessential phrase, you stick it in commas. Commas are the garbage bags of grammar. — some guy's high school English teacher
The Middle Ages were a great time to be alive, because if you weren't wiped out by the Plague or impaled by some marauding barbarian, then yippee. — Nick DeCamp
When people tell me about their problems, I try to help them not focus so much on all the negative stuff, and focus more on what's going on with me. — Nick DeCamp
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
I'm not older than dirt, but I remember when it was still under warranty. — Robert "Baloo" Dunehew
On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
"No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."
DISCLAIMER: NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE PRODUCTION OF THIS MUSELETTER.
One hamster had to be spoken to very harshly and was visibly upset for a few minutes, but THAT'S IT! I SWEAR! — Nick DeCamp
When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
The truth, as always, is more complicated than that. — Roger M. Wilcox
I don't just want you to feel envy. I want you to suffer, I want you to bleed, I want you to die a little bit each day. And I want you to thank me for it. – What "Let's just be friends" really means — John W. Braue, III
A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianity emerged. A billion Coca-Colas ago was yesterday morning. — 1996 Coca-Cola Company annual report
Where navigation is concerned, things have changed radically since the days of Columbus. Columbus departed for India and arrived in Santo Domingo. Today, if you catch a plane to India, you arrive in India. It's your luggage that goes to Santo Domingo.
With all the advances in television technology, why is there still no "Everyone Gets Naked" button? — John Gephart IV
If you can't say anything nice about someone, say nothing. Then creep up behind them with a baseball bat and really let 'em have it. — John Gephart IV
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
Help, I've fallen and I can't . . . Hey, nice carpet!
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark".
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
On an answering machine: this answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing). If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours.
Another answering machine: Hi! Dave's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Smile, I could be behind you—on Police Motorcycle license frame
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
If you can read this, the bitch fell off. — on the back of a biker's T-shirt
We've secretly switched the dilithium crystals with new Folger's Crystals . . . let's watch what happens.
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. The two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
1/7 of your life is spent on Monday
When you come to the fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
The more you run over a dead cat the flatter it gets.
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
You have the right to an attorney . If you cannot afford an attorney , we will supply you with the stupidest , 1st year law student dumb-ass slacker we can find on the continent — Lethal Weapon 4
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
If you're the low man on the totem pole, just remember that if it wasn't for you the damn thing would fall over.
The difference between women and men is that women love their children. They know everything about them, including birthdays, allergies, likes and dislikes. Men are vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. — Dave Barry
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.
A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. — Jack Handy
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. — Jack Handy
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought "Where the hell is the ceiling?"
I went to a restaurant that was so expensive that they didn't have prices on the menu—just little faces with varying expressions of horror.
If you had a million Shakespeare's, would they write like a monkey?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. — Oscar Levant
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. — Charles Schultz
If you love something, set it free. Just make sure you're not near a
freeway or anything. — Nick DeCamp
He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's coming to your name. He's laughing so hard, the elves have to get him his heart pills. — Nick DeCamp
It concerns me that I spend money on heavy-duty cleaning products that are designed to remove the residual "scum" left on my tub from a substance I rely on every day to cleanse and sanitize my own body. — Nick DeCamp
I think bumper stickers make cars look ugly and tacky. My idea for a bumper sticker is one that actually goes inside the trunk, and it would say something like, "If you can read this, you have x-ray vision." — Nick DeCamp
Most employers are looking for experience, training, leadership abilities—but I have something even better: a little monkey named Dr. Strangeballies. — Nick DeCamp
I believe that, someday, scientists will develop a rocket that can transport a person to the farthest reaches of our galaxy, and when this amazing feat of human ingenuity is accomplished, some courageous person will step aboard that glorious spacecraft and be shot into the deepest void of space, possibly never to be seen again, and I hope that person is Richard Simmons. — Nick DeCamp
You're pretty cute, you know, for the literary personification of the state of non-being. — Dot Warner
What if I'm just a figment of my penis's imagination? — Kyle McCowin
I'm calling the Organization of the United Brotherhood of It's None of Your Damn Business — American President
I hate Illinois Nazis. — "Joliet" Jake Blues
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! — Peter Venkman
The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing. — Sir Ralph Richardson
Remember, when someone annoys you,
It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the jerk upside the head. — Langa List
My indecision is final. — Jake Eberts
It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards! — Lewis Carroll
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. — Emo Philips
I'm lost. I'm going to find myself. If I return before I get back, please ask me to wait. — L. Lionel Kendrick
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes, too.
Money isn't everything; but it's sure way ahead of whatever is in second place.
When you are a child, the scary sounds come from under your bed. When you are an adult, the scary sounds come from under the hood of your car. — Pieces of 4
We used to hate people. Now, we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way. — Dogma
It is a newspaper's duty to print the news and raise hell. — The Chicago Tribune (1861)
A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. — The Devil's Dictionary
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy — The Devil's Dictionary
I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II." — Dave Barry
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. — Winston Churchill
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. — Matt Groening
He's got more degrees than a thermometer in the sun's ass. — Jimmy Kimmel introducing Ben Stein
One of the major functions of skin is to keep people who look at you from throwing up.
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. — TV listing for The Wizard of Oz
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. — Burt Bacharach
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. — Jeff Valdez
Everybody wants to get old, but nobody wants to be old. — Goethe
Mutant brain-eating cyborgs are bad for business — Battle Angel
I think I have it. A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense not to himself. — Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Serious people have few ideas. People with ideas are never serious. — Paul Valery
Damn you Walt Whitman! I . . . hate . . . you . . . Walt . . . freaking . . . Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass! — Homer Simpson
Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back—or you can go out there and find your dog. — Homer Simpson
I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky. — Homer Simpson
If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. — Homer Simpson
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. — Sacha Guitry
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. — Arthur Schopenhauer
I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. — Alexander Harris
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
A) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
B) Advising the President.
C) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
— David Letterman
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
If God had intended for us to run around naked, he would have made our skin fit better. — Maureen Murphy
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. — Oscar Wilde
Go on, get out—last words are for fools who haven't said enough. — last words of Karl Marx
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. — Rita Rudner
Well, you have to admit they're good at what they do. But then, so was Hitler. — Mr. Johnny Cigarettes
Consider the lilies. While you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through all your stuff. — Jack Handey
If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie? — Jesse Garon
Whenever I have a birthday, I think back over the past year, how I've spent my time, what I've accomplished, what regrets I have, how I've tried to make the world a better place, and what exactly I've been doing with my life over the past 365 days, and I think to myself, "Man, I wish I'd gotten laid more." — R.M. Weiner
Before beginning any job, make sure you have the right tools. Study the following list of expletives, and make sure that you know how to use each one correctly. — Calvin & Hobbes
You're like a big ol' ball of bitch. — Ben Katz
If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? — Greg Sadosuk
If I had a dog, I'd train him to kill on command. And the command I'd use would be, "Is he friendly?" — R.M. Weiner
Remember kiddies, it isn't stealing. It's "creative relocation" - Vertilgo
It's never too late to do nothing at all. — Alan Ginsberg
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run! Death hates that.
Anything worth doing, is worth getting someone else to do.
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die. — Klingon Proverb
Early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy and wealthy but socially dead — Yakko Warner
Good Morning' is a contradiction in terms.
. . . And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own. — TV News
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. — Jeff Marder
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. — Fletcher Knebel
He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll get his tricorder.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Life's short and hard, like a body building elf — Bloodhound Gang
If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask someone else first. — Nirvana
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. — Steve Martin
I might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. — Hecklers Online
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" — Dave Barry
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. — Robin Williams
Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now! — Elwood Blues
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a packet of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. — Elwood Blues
The use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved. — Dispatch Cop
Hell Hath No Pizza.
The cow is a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
A harp is a nude piano.
There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. — Cynthia Heimel
I'm no stranger to hard work—more of a nodding acquaintance. — David G. Harris
Conformity is social suicide — Emerson
Courage is a virtue, corduroy is a fabric.
We should be thankful it doesn't rain farm animals.
This is not a question.
This is not the answer to the above question.
If you were alone in a forest and a tree fell on you would you feel anything?
Is "old news" a contradiction in terms?
Save your money for a rainy day; maybe the pizza guy will get stuck in a flood and you'll get a free pizza.
We knock on wood to scare the termites.
Knowing is half the battle, the other half is retreating.
Someone built a dam on my stream of consciousness.
A $1.25 box of Cheerios will float, but a million-dollar luxury liner won't.
Everything goes on forever since the fat lady retired.
Lick the hand that feeds you.
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
One purpose of a liberal arts education is to make your head a more interesting place to live inside of for the rest of your life. — Mary Pat McPherson
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. — Bumper Sticker
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? — Roseanne
Don't hate yourself in the morning—sleep until noon.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time. — Marilyn Monroe
I believe that every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises. — Neil Armstrong
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
A lie is terminological inexactitude. — Winston Churchill
You can name your salary here. I call mine Fred.
All we are, basically, are monkeys with car keys. — Northern Exposure
They could be fascist anarchists—that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -isms in my opinion are not good. — Ferris Bueller
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead. — Woody Allen
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. — Billiam Coronel
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
Save a tree: Eat a beaver
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. — M.C. Escher
You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone. — Al Capone
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property." — Joan Rivers
Pizza is the four food groups!
Stick (n): A boomerang that doesn't work.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
My life needs a rewind/erase button. — Calvin
Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. — R. A. Dickson
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
Rules are for people who don't know how to get around them. — Tori Harrison
Winter is nature's way of saying "up yours".
The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! — Homer Simpson
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas? — Jean Kerr
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. — Joan Rivers
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. — Calvin
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist. — W. S. Gilbert
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity. — Karl Marx
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Assassins do it from behind!
Consciousness is an illusion that the brain constructs to simulate the world around us. — Nicholas Wade
I thought I had a great idea, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar. — Calvin
What mattered was them: Lucy and Dan.
"What matters is us," said Lucy, taking her cue from the previous sentence. "You and me." — Terry Jones
There was a brief silence that seemed to get up, stretch its legs, and then wander off into the night. — Terry Jones
He shall eat your Grapes of Wrath. And have the Cheese Tray of Spite. — Chris McCaleb
Give me my dignity . . . and while you're at it . . . give me my pants back too . . . — Sophizma
I'll need to see Harrison Ford do it in the movies first before I can incorporate it into my value system. — Chris McCaleb
I'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here is my—oh.
Shit, I'm a sugar bowl. — Mary Speed
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. — Woody Allen
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Never forget that 'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'.
Clones are people two.
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
MEN: No shirt, no service. WOMEN: No shirt, no charge.
Boldly going nowhere.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
To err is human, not to, animal. — Robert Frost
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria—they're the only culture some people have.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continued, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. — Sam Ogden
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If I build a better vibrator, they will come — Kat
If wishes were fishes, you and anyone else out there remotely like you would be dead and buried by now, 'cause boy howdy, do I have a lot of fish. — PsykoFish
That which does not kill you, isn't trying hard enough. — FelixELkat
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat. — Lily Tomlin
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. — Oscar Wilde
While it is a sin to think evil of others, it is seldom a mistake. — H.L. Mencken
Never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave. — Winnie the Pooh
Mediocrity: It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Let's not think of it as plagiarism.
Let's think of it as restating the classics. - Vertilgo
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had no legs? — Tom Cottrill
To alcohol—the cause of and solution to—all of life's problems — Homer Simpson
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. — Dan Rather
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
— Groucho Marx
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. — Groucho Marx
Room service? Send up a larger room! — Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
it's too dark to read. — Groucho Marx
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. — Albert Einstein
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. — Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. — Dave Barry
I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the
slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. — Calvin
I like children. Properly cooked. — W.C. Fields
Time's fun when you're having flies. — Kermit the Frog
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die. — Mel Brooks
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together. — Carl Zwanig
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's
warm for the rest of his life. — Solid Jackson.
No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from. — Linus
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. — Carrie Fisher
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities. — Dr. Theodore Dreissel (Dr. Seuss)
Spandex is a privilege, not a right.
Eroticize Intelligence. — Erin Porter
By the year 2010 Lucky Charms will be completely marshmallows. — Chad Beck
Every time I think about Newt or see him on the tube I get phantom gallbladder pains. — Ben Beagle
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
Help wanted: Telepath . . . you know where to apply.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
Hard work never killed anybody . . . but why take chances?
There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.
Get thee down. Be thou funky.
Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Two wrongs don't make a right—three lefts do.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper.
If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments.
Love thine enemies . . . it really pisses them off.
Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Earn cash in your spare time—blackmail your friends.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
A steak a day keeps the cows dead.
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies.
Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for.
Eagles fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Be alert . . . the world needs more lerts.
If you can't speak softly, just use the stick.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. — Thelonius Monk
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I shot an elephant in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know.
You can't fall off the floor.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more things change, the more they stay the same; the more they stay the same, the more they suck.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Air is water with holes in it.
I wired my dryer backwards. Now it spits out extra socks.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Mother nature is a bitch.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Scary thought: When I get old, will there be "classic rap" radio stations? — RavenWord7
If a picture is worth a thousand words, then how come there aren't more struggling writers hanging out at the galleries? — Atani7
On the back of my credit card there is a number to call in case your card is lost or stolen. Thank god the company is smart enough to put that number on there, because if my card is ever lost or stolen I'm really going to need that number. Of course, I'll probably also need the card with the number on it. — Ndecisive1
always look on the bright side of thing, because you can't see a damn thing when it's dark . . . — Kat
Never put off 'till tomorrow that which you can do today . . .
If everyone in the world took this literally, we'd all be dead . . . — Bumppis
Collect some rust, put it in a bottle of chili powder, and give it away as a gift. — Bob
never let a rainy day get you down, that's what bills are for . . . — Kat
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. — Wilson Mizner
Life imitates art . . . beauty is in the eye of the beholder . . . excuse me, will someone hand me a shot gun? — Lisa
I know I'll never succeed in understanding life, but I still get something out of trying. — Lav ¤
I forgot to wear my watch again today. so I did a little math. you are 37 times more likely to look at your wrist if there is nothing on it. — MStout555
It's all fun & games until someone opens a portal into Hell.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. — The Oak Leaf
Sure, the truth hurts, but so does a machete. — Bloodguilt
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
days saved up.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
My ability to be humble in the presence of my own greatness is an inspiration to others — RedOrDead
It is better to have loved and lost, than to be licked by clowns. — Jlbkwrm
I'm an enigma, or am I? — PTSNIPES
Quotation "marks" make ya sound so much "more sarcastic". — Astronia
"I guess I just blew my own cover"
I once tried to blow my own cover.
I am still seeing the chiropractor.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go into a corner and cry by myself for hours — PythOnline
If you're going to shoot a mime, it doesn't matter whether you use the silencer or not, because the bullet is going to ricochet off the walls of his invisible box anyway — SoupEater
I don't drink water, fish piss in it
I think Taco Bell should change their name to Makes You Blow Your Intestines Out Your Anus. Of course, the double stuff taco probably wouldn't sell very good anymore. — Snipes
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls. — Tansa
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Today is a day for personal decision. For instance, either decide to drop some weight, or decide to rent advertising space on your butt cheeks.
My door says, "Go ahead and knock, I'm already disturbed." — Kira119
If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
Definition of the universe (and three examples):
ex: you can't fit it in the fridge
ex: why else do you think they call it simply, Space!
ex: Do you ever see anyone through the telescope at night? No? Well I'll tell you why. There aren't any jackets that'll keep you warm enough out there.
I don't really see why you'd want to go out there. It's like leaving a warm cozy bed to go to school in the morning.
Many of you have probably wondered how I have all the luck with women. Well I'm here to teach you a few of the basic concepts on how to impress and seduce the women.
2-Never tell them they're fat . . . to their face anyway
3-Don't, I repeat, don't ever shoot them. This usually turns them off quickly and often leads to criminal proceedings.
4-Leave flowers on their bed. It is wise to make sure that the flowers are insect-free when doing this.
5-It's usually bad taste to introduce them to your ex . . . especially when you haven't released her back into the wild yet.
6-While humorous to some, first dates usually frown on seeing who can hit the concierge by firing after-dinner mints from the nasal cavity.
7-Sex on a first date is very simple, just make sure she didn't see you sneak away with the hooker.
8-Make sure she doesn't work in the criminal records department(obvious enough).
9-If you feel like it's time to make your move, make sure they don't see you sneak from the hedges to the door.
10-Hot wax is a fun toy in bed. Be careful however not to use it when soaked in gasoline.
Didja ever start to say something and then realize that you didn't want to say that at all, but you had already started on the first syllable and people are expecting you to say something, so instead you turn what you were going to say into an unintelligible string of mumbo-jumbo that only a jibbering idiot would pretend to understand?
Meph: ::looking at a painting by Goya:: I think the juxtaposition of light and shadows in this piece is absolutely stunning.
Some Guy: Yeah, and it's a naked lady too!
Meph: Yes, exactly what I was thinking.
Some Guy: I'm still on the fact that it's a naked lady.
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