Little Nuggets

If anybody listed would like their name linked, please let me know. And don't forget to submit, you hosers.

Carcazoid MST3K Mr Onliner
Repeatr Vonnegutia USAmen
MitchRK SGood Nyello
Just Brian New Mark Twain KrazyK
Steven Wright Tocadisco James Lileks
Farheim Red Dwarf Douglas Adams
the Tick New George Carlin Absurd Pamphlet Press—Notes
Red Green Pessimism Sex New
Religion Computers, Science, Logic New Reality
Success Duh Truth
Politics Military New Other New

Hark! It's Carc!
I know everything. I just can't remember it all at once.

It is a wise man who knows the difference between Cheez Whiz and regular whiz.

The part I hate most about putting my foot in my mouth is that cow pie I just stepped in.

Surgeon General's Warning: Running with scissors is fun and may be profitable. Pregnant women and small children who run with scissors will have the time of their lives.

People who live in glass houses obviously have too much money

Today's Handy Tip: Strong chemical fumes make for a happy workplace. An unconscious workplace, but a happy workplace.

Tom Servo: The Pony Express—when it absolutely, positively has to be there in 3 or 4 months or so.

Mike Nelson: That's 40 pounds of butt in 30 pound butt capacity pants.

Man: I've got the answer.
Joel Robinson: It's Cocoa-Puffs, Bob! I have no idea why, but it fits the equation! Check it out.

Crow T. Robot: Hey! This is the '50s, what am I doing explaining things to a woman? Get in the car!

Tom: Two different plaids? Hey, I'm a naked robot and even I know that's a fashion no-no.

Crow: Today the moon narrowly missed hitting a man's eye like a big pizza pie.
Tom: Scientists believe that's amore.

Man: We'll stop any attack they can begin.
Mike: Provided the attack is lame and poorly thought out. And it's our grandma's.

Mike: Y'know a lot of people have compared this scene to the climactic chariot scene in Ben-Hur. Yeah, they usually say, "Ben-Hur was really good. This movie totally sucks."

Mike: Yeah, let's slip away under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county.

Crow: Booze—it's what's for dinner.

Tom: Everything I need to know I learned from booze.

Crow: Booze—write that down.

Tom: Perhaps booze would alleviate this situation.

Crow: Well, look at that. "Breach hull, all die." Even had it underlined.

Mike: I guess this movie was kinda like watching Casablanca . . . while having a small child use your groin as a punching bag.

Boy: Mom! Dad!
Joel: I won the "Get the Crap Kicked Outta Ya" contest!

Crow: In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were not in the car at the time of the crash.

Mike: Mt. Penatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the southern hemisphere.

Man: He's gone.
Crow: I mean he's there, but he's dead.

Man: An American democracy
Mike: would be really great.

Crow: Et tu, Billy Bob.

Joel: To prove how tough this Ford is, we're pitting it against the Amazing Colossal Beast

Man: Genius, pure genius
Crow: couldn't save this film.

Man: A peaceful relocation.
Tom: After the genocide, of course.

Man: We were just saying good-bye
Crow: with our reproductive organs.

Crow: You just opened up a whole can o' Jellied Whoop-Ass, pal.

Man: Gentlemen, this may be our last day on Earth
Mike: let's hit the karaoke bar.

Crow: Captain's log— A bunch of our ship fell off, and nobody likes me.
Crow: Captain's log— I've lost my toupee and girdle, and I can't leave my room.

Crow: Loser status confirmed.

Mike: Y'know, they shouldn't have set their phasers to "miss."

Tom: I give not a crap for thee.

Man: You know what my kids would say?
Tom: You're not my real father!

Crow: Watch me open the hell outta this door.

Tom: The aliens are terrified of themselves, panic, and leave immediately.

Crow: Every male of every species has the biological urge to panty-raid.

Tom: A violent arguement erupts over whose day was more pleasant.

Crow: There's something you don't see everyday. Priest beating the hell out of a guy in a factory.

Dr. Forrester: In addition to my huge greatness, I'm quite a guy.

Crow: I calculated the odds of this succeeding vs. the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid . . . and I went ahead anyway.

Man: How do you take your scotch?
Mike: By the quart.

Crow: Not a joke, but an incredible simulation.

Mike: You just got yourself a big sled-load of Whoop-Ass

Mike: Y'know with this digital technology, the suckiness comes through with great clarity.

Tom: The villain takes off in hot, well warm . . . tepid persuit.

Mike: Can't we just have a normal Thanksgiving where we drink and don't talk to each other?

Joel: Oh my goodness, I'm growing so fast I'm giving myself a wedgie!

Tom: World War III serparates the serious drinkers from the amateurs.

Mike: We got the law on our side! I'm gonna fail to yield!

Tom: Well, one good thing about the apocalypse . . . plenty of parking.

Crow: Solipsism is its own reward.

Tom: Uh, oh. This isn't good. I've seen good before, and this isn't it.

Mike: Scientists labor to find out what the hell is the deal with Japan.

Tom: "Chapter Two: Molten Terror!" Ooo, isn't terror bad enough without being molten?

Crow: What is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wonder into 'em?

Tom: Call me Ishmael. Todd Ishmael.

Tom: Frosty the Snowman's partially melted body was found at the site, a victim of a pistol whipping. Herbie the Misfit Elf is wanted for questioning.

Mr Onliner (no dot)
The only real difference between me and everyone else is DNA. The rest is just politics.

Sometimes when I listen to Fiona, I like to just kick back, close my eyes, and hit the stereo with a sledgehammer.

It's gotta be pretty cool to be the last of the Mohicans. Cause I mean, I bet you could get some sort of special parking sticker.

Every time I go to the bank, the stupid cashier always gives me a dirty look. Or at least I think she does, it's hard to tell with her all tied up like that.


If you build it, they will come, and they will complain about the soda prices.

Many people claim that I'm an idiot. Remember, many people also think the world is round, too.

I used to think they hand out crack in the teacher's cafeteria in my school. After seeing my progress report, I know they do.

No animals were harmed in the making of this page, except for the squirrels we used for batting practice.

With all this time on my hands, my back's starting to hurt.

I heard something the other day. As a matter of fact, I heard something today, too.

Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.

If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don't have nerve enough to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules—and there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress. — Ransom K. Ferm

Dedication in The Sirens of Titan:
For Alex Vonnegut, Special Agent, with love—
All persons, places, and events in this book are real. Certain speeches and thoughts are necessarily constructions by the author. No names have been changed to protect the innocent, since God Almighty protects the innocent as a matter of Heavenly routine.

The hand that stocks the drug stores rules the world. — Bokonon

Before you kill somebody, make absolutely sure he isn't well connected.

I have been a soreheaded occupant of a file drawer labeled "Science Fiction" . . . and I would like out, particularly since so many serious critics regularly mistake the drawer for a urinal.

I was a victim of a series of accidents as are we all. — Malachi Constant

Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies— :
"God damn it, you've got to be kind." — Eliot Rosewater

All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.

When Life Hands You A Lemon, Demand A Corona To Go With It.

I'll tell you, there is nothing more relaxing than sitting on a dock by the lake, sipping a cold beer and casting your rod into your favorite hole. And it's even better if you manage to get in a little fishing afterwards.

Pagers are nothing more than electronic leashes for humans.

MitchRK ('nuff said)
Necessity it the mother of invention.
Commercials with Michael Jordan are the mother of the mute button.
A moment of irony: Michael Jordan advertises batteries, which are necessary for a mute button on a remote control to work.

When I was eight years old (I should probably mention right now that this story is entirely fictional, and therefore all of the elements of the story, though they might indeed sound totally plausible, are in fact utterly made-up, entirely by me and no one else, because no one else was needed to make up any of the parts of this story except for me. The story itself is not to be taken seriously, seeing as it is fictional, and though it is told as if it is about me, it really is about no one who actually exists, but rather as if the narrator were telling the story talking about himself, or possibly herself, since the gender of the narrator is not made clear within the narrative of the story, which further goes to show that it is not about me, an existing person of only one gender, that of male, for those of you who did not know. I am only the author, the one who made up the story, without the need to research any facts, as none were needed) I stole a car.

Brought to you by the folks at PMS (People who Misspell Acronyms).

My parents made me what I am today. I'm thinking of suing.

I'll bet you $500 that I'll lose this wager.

This is my favorite time of day.
Well, there it goes.

I play a mean trumpet. Actually, cruel is a better word.

Antidisestablishmentarianism schmantidisestablishmentarianism.

King Tut ruled at 10.
Mozart composed at 7.
Big deal. I drove a car at 8:30.

Dejaja vu = "Have we met, Ms. Gabor?"
Dijon vu = "This mustard tastes familiar."
Daysa vu = "This is the same storyline they did on that other soap opera."
Deja moo = "I swear that's the exact same cow we passed about six miles ago."

Travel size Goo
I single handedly turned a box of Hamburger Helper into a box of Hamburger Assisted Suicide tonight. It was so bad that at one point I swear the lil' glove mascot was actually flipping me off.

I wonder when the Backstreet Boys are going to come to their senses and realize that they are just a costume shop away from being the Village People.

I'm not a Dentist . . . I just play one in my tool shed

Actually I really do want to change my first name to "America" so then I can feel like the show Good Morning America was personally made for me.

You know . . . it's true when they say that, "no man is an island" But I bet if you got a bunch of dead guys together they could make a pretty good makeshift raft.

Sometimes the voices in my head tell me to hurt people . . . but most of the time they just tell me to sleep late.

It is better to have loved and lost than to have been run over by an eighteen-wheeler and dragged for five miles . . .

I decided to get a puppy for my girlfriend for the holidays this year. Unfortunately though she is Jewish and celebrates Hanukah so I have to somehow find 8 boxes to put this damn thing in.
Some assembly required

its not that I don't want to clean my room its just that I have this theory that everything is balanced just right and if I attempt to move anything the whole structure of the house will come down like a house of cards

Some people are optimists, where as they see the glass as half-full. Others are pessimists, where as they see the glass as half-empty. I myself though am a realist where as I realize I'm thirsty and broke and drink both of their glasses while they argue

Mello Nyello's peanuts
I couldn't help but notice that this contact lens box's instructions are written in fine print . . . THAT'S A CRUEL TRICK!!!

Nyello: He's more than just a pretty face; he's also a pretty frequent liar about his looks!

Sometimes there are these cool little umbrellas in my drinks; sometimes they're in my eyes. Either way, they make a nice decoration.

A flaming duck is not a hat.

Just Brian
I dumped my girlfriend yesterday. The only problem I foresee is the possibility of the body resurfacing.

When life knocks you down, tie its shoelaces together.

When people tell me they're vegetarians, I tell them I'm higher up on the food chain than they are.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man how to fish and he will start a little sushi bar on the corner of Washington and Main.

There was a magazine in the store with a cover story entitled "20 Things Women Don't Want You to Know." When I tried to buy it, a bunch of women came out of nowhere, grabbed the magazine, and beat me up.

"Amen" is just a more formal version of "God, do you copy?"

It's like I always say, "Life's a bitch and then it goes into heat."

Your mind is like a taco: the more you cram into it, the more that's going to fall out.

I like clowns. They talk funny, wear the biggest clothes they can find, and drive around in strange cars. No wait, I'm thinking of rappers.

I used to subscribe to that school of thought but then they raised the subscription price.

People always say, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." Well, I tried building a coliseum there but I couldn't get a city zoning permit.

If wishes were horses, I'd own a ranch. If wishes were carbon monoxide gas, I'd be dead.

I have this weird love-hate relationship with women. I love women but they hate me.

If Marilyn Manson suddenly died, what color would everyone wear to the funeral?

Sometimes I think I'm a genius. Then I realize I've already seen this episode of Jeopardy.

Words of advice: Don't mess around with hot tar. Just don't.

I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.

Sure, the Grand Canyon may be breathtaking but so is lung cancer.

If I want your opinion, I'll become a radical, gather a group of militant followers, spark a revolution, overthrow the government, declare myself dictator, and give it to you through blatant manipulation of the media.

I have butterflies in my stomach. I'm not sure what caused them: the big Physics test I have tomorrow or the live caterpillars I swallowed last week

Mark Twain
Buy land—they've stopped making it.

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.

Let us endeavor to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

If a person offends you and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures. Simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.

Clothes make the man; naked people have little or no influence on society.

You shouldn't go around saying the world owes you something. The world owes you nothing. The world was here first.

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot.

Always obey your parents, when they are present. This is the best policy in the long run, because if you don't they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.

Hope may float but a restraining order will drag your ass back down to reality.

People used to think that the cat had got my tongue but boy did they feel foolish when they realized it was a small baboon.

I think my schizophrenia is causing my low self-esteem. None of my other personalities will talk to me.

Shaft is the mother of all creation. I can't stress that enough

I knew I must have drank too much last night when I realized this morning that I left my beer on my diaphragm and I couldn't find my coaster . . .

Don't you hate it when life throws you a curveball and you forget to duck?

There's a little bit of krazy in all of you, god help us all.

then? on to foreplay!

Rabid dogs do not make nice house pets

heckle not yet lest ye shalt be heckled

Repeating one's self is a sign of insanity. Repeating one's self is a sign of insanity. Repeating one's self is a sign of insanity. Repeating one's self is a sign of insanity. Repeating one's self is a sign of insanity. Repeating one's self is a sign of insanity. Repeating one's self is a sign of insanity.

Do not feed the animals.

Deer jerky has mystical powers not to be tampered with

Do not inhale pixie dust. Tinkerbell is a communist.

The Energizer bunny does not have groupies. Those people on tv are merely actors.

Always air out your inner child.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

never shave with a weedwhacker

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

90% of all statistics are made up

Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

. . . Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant

A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.

A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

A day not wasted is a day wasted!

5) Fat people are warm and squishy inside. However, unlike the Pillsbury Dough Boy, they do not like to be poked. How's that for poppin fresh?
4) Fungus is actually alive. Be afraid.
3) I said it once and I'll say it again. Rat eyed poodles are the devil's spawn. Especially ones named Fifi or Fluffy.
2) Those who think least are laughed at most. That may explain the giggles you hear behind your back.
1) The Random Game is good. Eht Modnar Emag is bad. I hope not to see submitted as an entry again. You know who you are.

Never pet a burning dog

Always look carefully both ways when driving into a blind intersection . . .

Never spit into the wind

Never try to lick a glacier for some moisture.

And . . . ALWAYS eat the yellow snow!!! (Hey . . . it built my body good ;)

The K stands for insanity.

Scientists have now proven that snow is the only material in the world that is whiter than Michael Jackson.

monkeys always have the right of way

the man with the chainsaw is always right

happiness is knowing that you're crazy and it scares everyone

do not stare at the sun. It is like staring at Barbara Streisand's nose.

Currently running for Secretary of Insanity, Keeper of the Randomness

evil people are good. therefore, good people are evil. but evil people are good. So everyone is evil and everyone's good. depending on what mood I'm in.

Grandpa's teeth have powers more mystical than cheese.

He who eats radioactive goat burgers shall rule the land of porcelain gods.

1 + 1 = 6 ::raises shotgun:: prove it doesn't, punk.

The color red makes people horny.

1 out of 3 people can't read this, you stupid schmoo.

When words are in bold and are underlined, it makes people with homicidal tendencies really nervous.

the color of insanity

not suitable for small children or flying rodents.

acid, effective though it may be, is not a good zit remover.

if you are housing a bored inmate from Uncle Skippy's Insane Asylum O' Fun, it is best to hide all automatic weapons and chainsaws.

Be careful dating in Kentucky. Your date may not only turn out to be your cousin, but your grandmother, aunt, and daughter.

Mildew makes a lovely house pet. It's cheap, won't give you sass, and comes in a variety of colors.

Random Thoughts for the week
SUNDAY— The hair is greener, pinker, bluer, yellower, and oranger on the other side of Dennis Rodman's head.
MONDAY— If too much love will kill you, I'm the healthiest person in the world.
TUESDAY— If you sacrifice your goat to Bataluthasa, you will grow chest hair, have a firm body, and shiny teeth.
WEDNESDAY— When you forget to put on clean underwear it is a sure sign that your pants are going to drop in front of a really important person.
THURSDAY— Never taunt a drunk who thinks he's a Kennedy. He most likely is a Kennedy.
FRIDAY— Never stand upwind of a compost pile. Enough said.
SATURDAY— Redeem this Random Thought for a free Badger Burger at Bob's house of Badger Meat.

Corn may be your daddy, but he's a drunk, wife beating, deadbeat daddy.

Steven Wright
I told her the thing I loved most about her was her mind . . . because that's what told her to get into bed with me naked.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time," so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body.
Then I realized what was telling me that.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

So I get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal . . . The wings are knocking people over . . .

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I had to stop driving my car for a while . . . The tires got dizzy.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I plan to live forever. So far, so good.

Toca Toca Toca . . .
Never bite the hand that feeds you. Unless, of course, it's dipped in chocolate.

When the world hands you lemons, make lemonade. When the world hands you s#@t, make lemonade.

Who cares if it's wrong, them raccoons make good hats.

James Lileks
Check out for more.

It was not presented as a reward for injury, or a consequence of it, but an Interesting Proposition: hey, want some blue Jell-0? . . . You could almost see the tears retreat up their wet tracks into her eyes: why, yes. A dish of congealed translucent ground-up ruminant soles would hit the spot nicely.

And TV quit at the end of the day. It didn't just hand off the signal to the infomercials, it shut down. They played a patriotic poem about a jet fighter who had slipped the surly bonds of earth, showed the flag, and then HERSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH. We now return you to the residual background radiation in the universe left over from the Big Bang, already in progress. When people said there was nothing on, they meant it literally.

the tone of the writing is typical for those who approach commercial culture determined to show us sheep how we're really being led by wolves. (Vampire wolves. Vampire Republican wolves.)

Everything disgusting in horror movies can be traced back to the breakfast scene in "Alien." Nowadays the Gen Y & Z demographic is used to things bursting from chests and guts; I'm sure Grand Theft Auto 4 will allow you to disembowel your enemy, knot his intestines together and lasso other foes.

As someone once said: you're judged by the good things you do when no one's looking. Note to self: when no one's looking, kill whoever said that

I have a bad feeling about this, as every character feels compelled to mention in every George Lucas-penned script, with the possible exception of Wolfman Jack and Yoda, who only said "bad feeling about this have I," but you'd have verbal dyslexia too if a man named Oz had his hand up your ass

Norman Bates is always scarier than Satan. You can reason with Satan.

[I called a customer service number and] got through, plowed through the menus, selected the option that seemed close to my problem, was put on hold. Was assured repeatedly that my call was so important they would rather stuff hungry weevils up their urethras than disappoint me, so hang on.

[While reading a magazine I] laughed once at a cartoon—and that was the sort of silent theoretical laugh when your brain recognizes something as amusing but doesn’t feel it necessary to inform your face

Hopkins is the town that Time Forgot, then remembered again, and tracked it down and demanded money.

We now have Help. Not a maid, or a servant, oh no: it's Someone Who Comes In. As in, "do you have a housecleaner?" "Well, we have someone who comes in." As opposed to someone who stands on the sidewalk and cleans the house via telepathy.

Brains are all fried by that there drugs they take. What do they have nowadays, Ecstacy? In my days we just had Reasonably Satisfied. And we liked it! Damn glad we had it!

The standard mode for babies, after all, is lethargy, alternating with extremity-waving. And that'll tire you out, waving your fists in the air for half an hour. Ask Hitler.

I took some Pepto-Bismol: Maximum Strength! I always buy the maximum strength; never can quite figure out why I wouldn't. I'm not likely to reel back and say whoa, that's just toooo much relief there, buddy. Give me regular strength.

It reminds me of my grandfather, who used to give us little pink lozenges as rewards for playing Hide the Thimble. (Simple game—Grandpa would announce the temperature based on our proximity to the hidden thimble. Hot. Hot . . .cold. Colder! And so forth. The games lasted forever, because Grandpa actually used to mail the thimble to distant cities. He'd give us bus fare; we'd call from various places. "Cicero, Illinois." "Cold." Click.)

This flight is equipped with fore and aft screaming children. In the event of sleep, these children will deploy and wake everyone in the plane, the cockpit, passing jets and anyone in the houses 30,000 feet below, even if those people have their stereos turned all the way up and have started up a half dozen jackhammers.

Farheim's Scary German Oddities
Mmm, hot dogs! I tell ya, if there's one thing I like more than hot dogs, it's people who don't press charges.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Unless the other dog happens to have a futuristic ray gun.

The Universe is an infinitely vast place, which is expanding at the speed of light, in all directions. New planets, galaxies, possibly even living creatures, are being created and born throughout the cosmos. All of this majesty and wonder of the heavens above SUCKS ASS COMPARED TO MY PIZZA.

Man alive! The newspapers keep talking about this superhero, Area Man! It's always Area Man Saves Child From Fire, or Area Man Wins Lottery! In fact, the guy has nine lives like a cat! Area Man Found Dead in Apartment!
Area Man and his partner Local Boy . . . true American heroes.

Red Dwarf
Look, Lister, no point feeling sorry about Holly. It's a kindness. Like a blind old incontinent sheepdog, he's had his day. Take him out to the barn with a double-barreled shot-gun and blow the mother away. And I'm only saying that because I'm so fond of him. — Rimmer

Ace: You can't judge a book by its cover.
Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.

Is that a new suit you're wearing? Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye. — Ace

Just this morning you referred to me as "a cancerous polyp on the anus of humanity" — Rimmer

Rimmer: Step up to red alert.
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

Lister: Love is what separates us from animals.
Rimmer: No, Lister—what separates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.

You are a total, total . . . a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever-it-is you are, but you are one. And a total, total one at that. — Rimmer

I'm so handsome, there's a six-month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear whenever I am near! — the Cat

Cat: What? Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields. And two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realize that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw but I thought it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice.

Lister: Computer senility. Such a weird condition.
Kryten: I know. I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction. His name was Gilbert, but he preferred it if people called him "Rameses Niblick the Third, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble." A sad case.

Kryten: Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.
Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."
Cat: Come on, man, you gotta sacrifice your life! I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do!
Rimmer: YOU? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?
Cat: No, I'd sacrifice YOUR life for the good of the crew.

Lister: I dunno though. This wooden horse of Troy malarkey, I'm not buyin' that.
Rimmer: It's one of the most famous military maneuvers in history!
Lister: I mean, the Greeks have been camped outside Troy, kerpowing, zapping, and kersplatting the Trojans for the best part of a decade, yeah?
Rimmer: So?
Lister: So all of a sudden they wake up one mornin' and the Greeks have gone. And there outside the city walls they've left this gift; this tribute to their valiant foes: a huge wooden horse, just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities? Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, "Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzy. What's wrong with a couple hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?" No, they don't—they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night! People that stupid deserve to be kerpowed, zapped, and kersplatted in their beds! You know what the big joke is? From this particular phase in history we derive the phrase, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts," when it would be much more logical to derive the phrase, "Beware of Trojans, they're complete smegheads!"

Douglas Adams
Arthur: You have to get to know her.
Ford: She eases up, does she?
Arthur: No, but you get a better sense of when to duck.

It wasn't merely that their left hand didn't always know what their right hand was doing, so to speak; quite often their right hand had a pretty hazy notion as well.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possible go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was the underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before.
Thus was the Empire forged.

Space . . . is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space.

"It seemed to me," said Wonko the Sane, "that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to need to include a set of detailed instructions for the use in a package of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization in which I could live and stay sane."

God's final message to his creation: "we apoligize for the inconvenience"

If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now. — Zaphod

I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis. — Zaphod

Arthur: It's at times like this I wish I'd listened to my mother.
Ford: Why, what did she say?
Arthur: I don't know, I never listened.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now? — Arthur

The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.

There is an art, or rather, an knack to flying.
The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

It was a Cathedral of Hate. It was the product of a mind that was not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

He had the most astounding collection of teeth. They looked as if each came from a completely different animal, and they were ranged around his mouth at such bizarre angles it seemed that if he ever actually tried to chew anything he'd lacerate half his own face along with it, and possibly put out an eye as well.

Zaphod did not want to tangle with them and, deciding that just as discretion was the better part of valor, so was cowardice the better part of discretion, he valiently hid himself in a closet.

It was simply decorated, furnished with things made out of cushions and also a stereo set that would have impressed the guys who put up Stonehenge.

There was a sort of gallery structure in the roof space which held a bed and also a bathroom which, Fenchurch explained, you could actually swing a cat in, "But," she added," only if it was a reasonably patient cat and didn't mind a few nasty cracks about the head."

"The purpose of having the sun go low in the evenings, in the summer, especially in parks," said the voice earnestly, "is to make girls' breasts bob up and down more clearly to the eye. I am convinced that this is the case."

"It was very odd," she said, much as one of the pursuing Egyptians might have said that the behavior of the Red Sea when Moses waved his rod at it was a little on the strange side.

This man is the bee's knees, Arthur, he is the wasp's nipples. He is, I would go so far as to say, the entire set of erogenous zones of every major flying insect of the Western world.

This is an important announcement. This is flight 121 to Los Angeles. If your travel plans today do not include Los Angeles, now would be a perfect time to disembark.

But his smile when he turned it on you was quite remarkable. It seemed to be composed of all the worst things that life can do to you, but which when he briefly reassembled them in that particular order on his face made you suddenly feel "Oh. Well, that's all right then."

Anything that happens, happens.
Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.
Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.
It doesn't necesarily do it in chronological order, though.

That was biting the hand that feeds you. Sucking very hard on it, even nibbling it in an affectionate kind of way was okay, but you didn't actually bite it.

The next door . . . stood there . . . resolutely closed with a sign on it saying:


It can hardly be a coincidence that no language has ever produced the phrase "as pretty as an airport."

The term "Future Perfect" has been abandoned since it was discovered not to be.

There is no such word as 'impossible' in my dictionary. In fact, everything between 'herring' and 'marmalade' appears to be missing. — Dirk Gently

Know what I'm thinking? Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

There's a guy who really knows where his towel is.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't

The hours are good . . . but now you come to mention it, most of the actual minutes are pretty lousy

Number Two's eyes narrowed and becamse what are known in the Shouting and Killing People trade as cold slits, the idea presumably being to give your opponent the impression that you have lost your glasses or are having difficulty keeping awake. Why this is frightening is an, as yet, unresolved problem.

The major problem—one of the major problems, for there are several—one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them to do it to them.
To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.
Who can possibly rule if no one who wants to do it can be allowed to?

The Universesome information to help you live in it.
  1. AREA: Infinite.
    The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition of the word "Infinite."
    Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real "wow, that's big," time. Infinity is just so big that, by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.
  2. IMPORTS: None.
    It is impossible to import things into an infinite area, there being no outside to import things in from.
  3. EXPORTS: None.
    See Imports.
  4. POPULATION: None.
    It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the plantes in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.
    In fact there are three freely convertible currencies in the Galaxy, but none of them count. The Altarian Dollar has recently collapsed, the Flainian Pobble Bead is only exchangeable for other Flainian Pobble Beads, and the Triganic Pu has its own special problems. Its exchange rate of eight Ningis to one Pu is simple enough, but since a Ningi is a triangular rubber coin six thousand eight hundred miles along each side, no one has ever collected enough to own on Pu. Ningis are not negotiable currency, because the Galactibanks refuse to deal in fiddling small change. From this basic premise it is very simple to prove that the Galactibanks are also the product of a deranged imagination.
  6. ART: None.
    The function of art is to hold a mirror up to nature, and there simply isn't a mirror big enough—see point one.
  7. SEX: None.
    Well, in fact there is an awful lot of this, largely because of the total lack of money, trade, banks, art or anything else that might keep all the nonexistent people of the Universe occupied.
    However, it is not worth embarking on a long discussion of it now because it really is terribly complicated. For further information see
    Guide Chapters seven, nine, ten, eleven, fourteen, sixteen, seventeen, nineteen, twenty-one to eighty-four inclusive, and in fact most of the rest of the Guide.

The Tick
Sometimes I forget things. Who I am. Where I am. Unimportant things. But I'm not insane.

The Weasel got his name on the front page again not to mention a picture . . . and for what? For stopping a jewel robbery. I stop jewel robberies on my way to stopping major crimes. — Batmanuel

Batmaneul: We're too attractive to be lonely.
Captain Liberty: But we are alone
Batmanuel: Not alone, "Lone". Alone is an unfortunate predicament, lone is an aesthetic choice.

And so, may evil beware, and may good dress warmly and eat lots of fresh vegetables.

Ferventer Vestite

so we've got to rescue the Blue Tick, who is also mad, but in a much more goal-oriented way — Chairface Chippendale

SMILE! But not too much — ceiling of Evanston Clinic (I feel better already!)

Overload inevitable. Prayer recommended to god of choice. — Evanston Clinic's main generator

Less is less.
More is more.
And twice as much is good too.
Not enough is bad, and too much is never enough, except when it's just about right.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and maybe intelligent living lint!

Why aren't you dead yet? You're really impeding the killing you know. — Monitor Lizard

Look, villain, we can do this the hard way—or the hard & excruciatingly painful way

See, Arthur, you're not fat, you're Rubenesque!

How does one describe a spiral staircase without using one's hands? — Dr. Bowlingame

You'll pay for this, and I don't mean with money. Unless it's a whole lot of money. — Toy DeForce

Soon I will crush you all beneath my festive heel — Dire Wreath

I knew if we sat around and complained long enough, something would work out! — a ninja

It was actually going pretty well too. Up until the blowing up part. — Portuguese Man-O-War

Krazee Glu: Official Sponsor of Delta Psi Hazing Week

That's it, I'm gunna eat that guy's head. — the Angler

Oedipus (Ashley): Hey, buddy, I can keep up with the best of them.
Paul the Samurai: "Them" being helpless child hostages?

Oedipus (Ashley): That plus ninjas suck.
Paul the Samurai: Yes, their suck level knows no bounds.

Hmm. Time to grind some merry into you.
  • Do Not Kill
  • Do Not Steal
  • Do Not Hurt
  • Do Not Tamper with the Postal System
  • Be Kind to Animals
  • Entertain Other People's Ideas, and Let Them Tell You About the Dream They Had Last Night
I am a hypocrite, and I encourage everybody to be one. It's very exciting.
  1. Be good to people; there's something in it for you.
  2. Embrace the strange and bizarre, except where dangerous.
  3. Eat a piece of prejudice at breakfast.
There are no small roles, there are only these teeny tiny people that bug me in the middle of the night while I'm trying to sleep.

Don't go all Village of the Damned on me

I don't know the meaning of the word "surrender!" I mean I know it, I'm not dumb . . . just not in this context.

Villains have antidotes . . . they're funny that way.

It's starting to smell a little like danger in here, or heavily fried food.

Well, once again we find that clowning and anarchy don't mix.

Eating kittens is just plain . . . wrong!

I'm taking off the kid gloves and putting on the very mad gloves!

You're not going crazy Arthur, you're going sane in a crazy world

Villains, I say to you now: knock off all that evil!

And so he says "I don't like the cut of your jib!" and I go, "it's the only jib I got, baby!" — The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight

George Carlin
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.

The straightest line between a short distance is two points.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.

When the going gets tough, the tough get fucked.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is getting ready to hang himself.

There ought to be at least one round state.

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

It is impossible to dry one hand.

I'd rather be coming.

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

Nothing rhymes with nostril

Shouldn't a complimentary beverage tell you what a fine person you are?

Auto racing: slow minds and fast cars.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

I hope they do clone the dinosaurs, and they come back just in time for the ozone layer to disappear and wipe those ugly motherfuckers out again.

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

Think off-center

They said on the news that tests on monkeys showed HIV can be transmitted through oral sex. What I want to know is, who had to blow the monkeys?

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

There's a moment coming. It's not here yet. It's still on the way. It's in the future. It hasn't arrived. Here it comes. Here it is . . . shit! It's gone.

The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring a bell just before the dog salivated.

Sometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it's Frito-Lay.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

The Japanese culture is very big on martial arts and spiritual disciplines. So when a guy tells me he is studying something that has a Japanese name, I know he has either embarked on a mystical journey or is learning how to break someone's neck with two fingers.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

I have come up with a single sentence that includes all of the seven deadly sins: greed, anger, pride, lust, gluttony, sloth, and envy. Here it is. "It enrages me that I, a clearly superior person, should have less money than my neighbor, whose wife I would love to fuck if I weren't so busy eating pork chops and sleeping all day."

The original Shick Smoking Centers were very primitive. They gave you one lecture and then you came back a week later. If they smelled tobacco on you breath, they beat the shit out of you.

After a big flood, where do all those rowboats go?

If you fall asleep on the couch in a house where a woman is present, there will be a blanket or a coat covering you when you awaken.

Sometimes when I watch a parade, I wonder how many of the marchers are in desperate need of a good long piss.

It's annoying to have a song running through you mind all day that you can't stop humming. Especially if it's something difficult like "Flight of the Bumblebee."

The New Testament is not new anymore; it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it The Less Old Testament.

I never liked a man I didn't meet.

If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

I enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. Walking down the jetway to board my plane I'll often turn to a stranger and say, "Boy, I sure hope we don't crash into a cornfield today. If we do go down in flames, I hope we hit some houses. Or a school."

If you ever meet twins, talk to just one of them. It drives the other one crazy.

Have you ever become suddenly, intensely aware of your legs?

I'm not worried about guns in school. You know what I'm waitin' for? Guns in church! That's gonna be a lotta fun.

What year in world history do you suppose the first person with really clean fingernails appeared?

Somehow it's hard to picture butterflies fucking.

Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to the hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to piss him off.


Courtesy of the
Absurd Pamphlet Press

It's not my fault, OK? Whatever's up your ass was put there by someone else. — Jessica McCartney

Music Television. MUSIC Television. — Jessica McCartney

No, really, I'm asking seriously. What ARE you going to do when you've sampled every known song? — Chris McCaleb

Out of curiosity, what IS your idea of a cool sci-fi movie? — Chris McCaleb

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought big effects and a thin plot were your bag. — Jessica McCartney

MORE BITCHSLAPS . . . there can't be too many. — Jessica McCartney

While you were bitching, I got some stuff done. — Jessica McCartney

Red Green
Women are helpful by nature; Men need a court order.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you harder to insure.

Up here at Possum Lodge, we have our own rules about technology: "If you're standing in a puddle, don't touch anything that hums," and "Don't trust anything that has no moving parts. Especially if it's a relative."

Generally the speed at which a man performs a task is inversely proportional to the pleasure he gets from the job. So the next time you're in a place of business and the clerk is taking forever, just stop and acknowledge that you're in the presence of someone who really enjoys his work.

And he gets this look on his face like I just told him that granola was a four-letter word and says, "Oh, you eat meat." And I say, "Well, it's a whole lot better than the other way around."

At the crack of dawn, the morning person is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, while the night person is bleary-eyed and bushy-tongued

Some men are born with humility. Some achieve humility. Others have it thrust upon them.

[On DVD's] they make a big deal out of the "interactive menus," but I was working under the impression that all menus were interactive, like when you go into a restaurant and point to where it says "steak," it shows up a little later and then you eat it. Now that's interactive.
Like, say, the outtakes. These are scenes of guys who make upwards of the gross national product of Malaysia messing up their lines. When I'm getting paid to do a job, I don't videotape myself making mistakes and then charge people to watch.

The low-end, seemingly thoughtless gifts that you give your wife are straight from the heart and have no other purpose than to remind her that she is cared for. Whereas the big gifts like trips or cars or jewelry that the neighbors give their wives are probably restitution from a husband who strayed and is now paying for his indiscretion.

There is something about walking that's contrary to the evolution of the male species. Every time one of us takes a walk, it's a slap in the face to our forefathers who invented the internal combustion engine.

My first car was a '52 Pontiac. It was a tractor with a back seat. You didn't dare go fast or take a hard corner in that baby. Even standing still it was dangerous, due to the fire hazard

But then we got carried away. Every family got two or three cars and a minivan and an ATV and a backhoe and a hovercraft. Next thing you know, we have a serious air pollution problem and that led to emission controls, and now they're making hybrid electric cars that run on fermenting broccoli and the gravitational pull of the moon.

Now, I know some people like to take a fat picture of themselves and stick it on the fridge as a deterrent to keep them from snacking, but that rarely works and the picture ends up looking like a territorial claim. "This fridge and its contents are the property of Big Al."

They said, "Alcohol is relaxing." Maybe. But only for the guy who's drinking it. Everyone else in the courtroom gets pretty edgy

I don't express my feelings because I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't even know what I'm thinking, and I very rarely know what I'm doing.

A man's life is in three stages — youth, middle age, and "you look good."

After catching a glimpse of my naked body in the bathroom mirror, I understand why God created darkness.

It's always good when you can take something unpleasant and find some value in it. Like being at a family reunion and finding that cousin who owes you money.

Never carry gasoline in your car trunk unless it's in a container of some kind.

The Four Stages Of Life
  1. You believe in Santa Claus.
  2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
  3. You are Santa Claus.
  4. You look like Santa Claus.
I heard a warning the other day about those water-pick things that you use to blast water between your teeth. It said not to use the device on your eyes. I had several reactions to that statement.
The first one was, OK, don't squirt a needle of pressurized water into my eye area. That makes sense. My second reaction was, holy cow, they think I'm a moron. They think that if they don't warn me, I'm going to fire this thing up and try to hose down my retinas. That insulted me.

I'm thinking they could easily devise a computer that kept track of how fast you're going compared to the speed limit.
For example, if you're driving to work and the speed limit is 60, but you're only going 30 because the traffic is so bad, that would be registered in the computer. Let's say you did that for 15 minutes. The computer would show that as a credit on the dashboard screen. That means that as soon as you hit an open stretch of road, you'd be allowed to use that credit without getting a speeding ticket. You could go 90 for 15 minutes or 120 for seven and a half minutes or 150 for three and three quarters minutes or the speed of light for a nanosecond. As soon as your credit was used up, you would resume the speed limit.
I know this would never work, but it's nice to dream about.

So being an "extraordinary" [man] might be even worse. Break the word down — "extra," which means superfluous, waste, one too many (I've been there) and "ordinary," which means common, average, nothing special. When you put them together, you get "extraordinary," which must mean being completely average in a totally superfluous way.

Today, [teenager's] loud music drives you crazy. And when you consider that you can't hear nearly as well as you used to, imagine how loud their music really is. But let's be honest, the volume's not the problem. You like some things loud. Your car exhaust, "Matlock," younger women saying how good you look considering your lifestyle. The truth is, you don't like this new music loud because you don't like this new music period. So stop yelling at the kids to turn it down. Yell at them to turn it up. Maybe they'll blow the speakers.

I was driving a '51 Hillman Minx with all the power of two-cycle lawnmower and all the sex appeal of the fat guy pushing it.

I'm not hard of hearing, I'm hard of listening.

Men Anonymous pledge: I'm a man, but I can change. If I have to. I guess.

If you smile at everyone you meet, they will eventually suspect you of something

These days, optimists have fallen on hard times. It seems that if you feel good about the future, you are either an idiot or uninformed, or, in the worst case, an uninformed idiot.

Those outgoing kids became outgoing adults who got good jobs and became leaders in their communities. And good for them. They've made a contribution to society and been rewarded for it.
Now would someone please tell them to knock it off? At my age, I don't want to be around anyone who's that outgoing. I much prefer my friend Ed, who rarely says anything and when he does, it's always interesting stuff like, "That's a cop," or "Your pants are on fire."

People who see us driving by would never guess that we have no idea where we are. And we don't want to tell them. Men don't enjoy the concept of going up to total strangers and saying "You may not know this but I'm a moron." In contrast the woman we're traveling with is often very anxious to share this knowledge with the world.

The definition of depression: Seeing the universe as it really is.

It doesn't matter if the cup is half full or half empty. Whatever's inside it is evaporating either way.

A picture is worth 500 to 1,500 words depending on how good looking you are.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. — Lewis Grizzard

Things ain't what they used to be and never were. — Will Rogers

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. — H. L. Mencken

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. — Ernest Hemingway

Life is pain, highness. Anybody who says differently is selling something. — Princess Bride

Once you think you've got it all together, you forget where you put it.

80% of all questions that begin with the word "why" can be answered with the simple sentence "people are stupid." — Kevin Carson and Nick Johnson

I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe; I'm the system's bitch. — Drew Carey

It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing MilkBone underwear — Norm Peterson

A pessimist is never disappointed.

If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it. — Murphy's Law

As soon as you mention something; if it is good, it goes away; if it is bad, it happens.

If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Why does the person that snores always fall asleep first?

Optimist: Someone who doesn't know all the facts yet.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet. — Rodney Dangerfield

Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's.

Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.

Chicken little only has to be right once.

Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups!

It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. — Hofstadter's Law

Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.

A pat on the back is only a foot away from a kick in the ass.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Borrow money from a pessimist—they don't expect it back.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Beat your child once a day. If you don't know why, he does. — Chinese proverb

It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others

Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lighting kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.

For every winner there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.

On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.

No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.

The reward for a job well done is more work.

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats—approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. — Irving Caesar

There's no danger so pressing that it couldn't be worse — Kender proverb

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

Well, it's not the end of the world, and the end of the world wouldn't be so bad, anyway. — Lav ¤

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I love a parade... No, wait, I'm thinking of an orgasm.
I guess I confused the two because both usually involve trained animals. — RavenWord

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

You can't make a person love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

I need someone really bad . . . are you really bad?

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

National Sex week . . . Give till it hurts

Sex is like Bridge . . . If you don't have a good partner . . . You better have a good hand.

Guys want it to be good, but they don't want to know how it got that good.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the Andes, and I had to eat him. — adferraro

Yes, I'm an agent of the Devil, but my duties are mostly ceremonial.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Jesus, protect me from your followers!

Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car. — Lawrence J. Peter

Jesus Saves—passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!

Can God make Marlon Brando so big that even He can't move him? — Stephen Pace/Sterling Smith

A big seller this holiday season is Michael Bolton's Christmas album. Happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap! — Norm MacDonald

Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt

Jesus loves you . . . everybody else thinks you're an asshole

I'm a polyathiest—there are many gods I don't believe in — Daniel Fouts III

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? — Art Hoppe

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be Light."
And there was still nothing, but you could see it.

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth—that most of us go to hell and burn eternally—but I didn't want to upset him.

Computers, Science, and Logic
Whenever I'm feeling sadistic, I just check the 'Disable Smilies in This Post' box, and feel assured that any bastard smilies hiding in my posts will walk with a limp for the rest of their natural lives. — Jlbkwrm

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software. — IDSmoker

As always, I'm right, you are wrong. You thinking you're right, is just one more thing that you are wrong about — Covnam

There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't. — brianld

To err is Human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

Black holes are where God divided by zero

Those of us who know it all have a moral duty to impose our knowledge on the rest of humanity in the most obnoxious possible manner

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie deutsch?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Español?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. — Jeff Stilson

We don't know where the digital revolution is taking us, only that when we get there we will not have enough RAM. — Dave Barry

Einstein discovered that time and space are interchangeable when he showed up three miles late for a meeting.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

The Web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. — Dick Brandon

Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. — Clarke's Third Law

There is an exception to every rule, except this one.

The hardest thing about time travel is the grammar.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

So far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain.
And so far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. — Albert Einstein

Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. — Martin Golding, DoD

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history—with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. — Mitch Ratliffe

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually produce a masterpiece. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. — Eyler Coates

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Oh sure. But what's the speed of dark?

Go out and kill a lower life form. Darwin would have wanted it that way. — Kat

If I where to write a movie where all the electronic machines came alive and started killing people, I'd have the last scene be two Amish guys laughing their butts off. — Chriskolak

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Statisticians know that if you put a man's head in a sauna and his feet in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good—on the average.

When I think back on all that crap I learned in high school, it's a wonder I can think at all. — Paul Simon

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. — Albert Einstein

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. — Tom Clancy

Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. — Aldous Huxley

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. — Evan Davis

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. — W.C. Fields

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. — Albert Einstein

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. — Gore Vidal

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for skydiving. — Victor O'Reilly

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

If at first you don't succeed, kill the guy who actually did succeed and steal his work — Krissy Lin

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I think that in addition to caller ID, we need caller IQ, 'cause who wants to talk to some idiot? — Dan Machleid

Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. — Foghorn Leghorn

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice. — Bill Cosby

A fool and his money rarely get together to start with.

If age imparted wisdom, there wouldn't be any old fools. — Claudia Young

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. — Albert Einstein

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Remember half the people you know are below average.

My mind is like a steel trap—rusty and illegal in 37 states.

If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly

Quitters never win and winners never quit. But people who never win and never quit are idiots.

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. — Bart Simpson (on the blackboard)

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness" but it doesn't work. — Gallagher

Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? — Dr. Who

The two most common elements in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. — Harlan Ellison

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

There is no idea so stupid that some professor doesn't believe in it.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

(generally not humorous)
A person should hear a little music, read a little poetry and see a fine picture every day in order that worldly cares do not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has implanted in the human soul. — Goethe

Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past. — George Orwell

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. — Aristotle

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. — John F. Kennedy

We are not afraid to entrust the American people with unpleasant facts, foreign ideas, alien philosophies, and competitive values. For a nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people. — John F. Kennedy

As a nation we began by declaring that "all men are created equal." We now practically read it "all men are created equal, except Negroes." When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read "all men are created equal, except Negroes and foreigners and Catholics." When it comes to this, I shall prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretence of loving liberty -- to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure, and without the base alloy of hypocrisy. — Abraham Lincoln

The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive. It will often be exercised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. — Thomas Jefferson

No two persons ever read the same book.

But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine. — Thomas Jefferson

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. — Albert Einstein

To be yourself, in a world that tries, night and day, to make you just like everybody else—is to fight the greatest battle there ever is to fight, and never stop fighting. — e.e. cummings

This above all: to thine own self be true — William Shakespeare, Hamlet (I.iii)

The First Amendment is often inconvenient. But that is besides the point. Inconvenience does not absolve the government of its obligation to tolerate speech. — Justice Anthony Kennedy

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. — Galileo Galilei

A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular. — Adlai Stevenson

Television is the first truly democratic culture—the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want. — Clive Barnes

In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up. — Martin Niemoeller, German Lutheran Pastor

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. — Voltaire

It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. — Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. — Thomas Jefferson

It is said that God is always on the side of the heaviest battalions. — Voltaire

Censorship reflects a society's lack of confidence in itself.

Poetry comes nearer to vital truth than history. — Plato

Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one. — Thomas Paine

I have always been on the side of the heretics against those who burned them, because the heretics so often proved right in the long run. Dead—but right. — Edward R. Murrow

It is never too late to be what you might have been. — George Elliot

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't and the other half who have nothing to say keep saying it. — Robert Frost

When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian said simply "Ours." — Vine Deloria, Jr.

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats — Howard Aiken

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. — Voltaire

The Gods have two ways of dealing harshly with us—the first is to deny us our dreams and the second is to grant them. — Oscar Wilde

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. — George Bernard Shaw

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. — T. S. Eliot

There are only two ways to live your life. One as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. — Albert Einstein

if they give you ruled paper, write the other way. — e. e. cummings

If you sacrifice a little liberty in the name of law and order, you sacrifice both, and deserve neither. — Thomas Jefferson

Ignore your rights and they'll go away.

I am genetically predisposed to possess free will.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

Of all the words whether thought or said, through the use of word or pen, the saddest are "it might have been"

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

We understand that there are people in the world who vociferously protest the expansion of American culture and Western-style corporate capitalism, who see the spread of McDonald's and Coca-Cola as a vile toxin amid the indigenous cultures of the planet. These people are known as "American college kids." —
Joel Achenbach, Washington Post

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. — Gore Vidal

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. — Henry Kissinger

Bureaucrats are the only people in the world that can say absolutely nothing and mean it. — Hugh Sidey

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. — Ashleigh Brilliant

America is a melting pot, the people at the bottom get burned while all the scum floats to the top. — Charlie King

Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve tax breaks, which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to take quite so much of your income. In other words, these candidates are trying to buy your votes with your own money. — Dave Barry

THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.

Democracy: The substitution of election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. — George Bernard Shaw

Be patriotic—question authority.

A diplomat . . . is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. — Caskie Stinnett

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. — Ronald Reagan

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

So you're a feminist . . . isn't that cute!

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to pick on rich women than biker gangs.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

I never did understand the term "feminist." After all, the stereotypical feminist is not feminine at all. I think they should change the term to masculist. — MissAimee

War just takes all the fun out of dead baby jokes, doesn't it? — Jlbkwrm

GI Joe taught me that knowing is half the battle. Later in life, when I was ready, I learned that the other half of the battle is killing and maiming people. — ZYX

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. — the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see those guys way over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." — Elayne Boosler

A language is a dialect with an army.

A good plan violently executed today is better than a perfect plan executed tomorrow. — George S. Patton

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. — Global Village News

Once is accident, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo

Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Other Quotes
I wonder why you don't see any fat Jedis. Cause I know if I could grab shit from far away like that, I'd be 800 pounds cause I'd never leave my chair. — madmazurk

What if you put a puppet's arm up his own ass? Could he control himself then? What sort of metaphysical possibilities would this entail? — madmazurk

When you're a teacher, every day in August is like Sunday night. — downpour

Playing HORSE in China has got to suck. It's only one character. — madmazurk

Want to eat your cake and have it too? Try new Schröedinger's Cake! — RavenWord

Washington D.C. is the only place in the world where you can be at exactly the right address but still only have a 25% chance of being where you are. — Adam Brodsky

Imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.

In the future I'll try to avoid mischaracterizing or stereotyping hockey players, most of whom are truly wonderful people considering that they have no teeth. —
Joel Achenbach, Washington Post

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, everyone knows me here.

You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm! — Titus to his dad

You can't outrun Death forever but you can make the Bastard work for it

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

I've never had an original thought in my life, so this opinion must be someone else's fault.

Lawn Ranger Motto: You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

To you and me, this rice means nothing. But to my ancestors, the rice is sacred. Don't mess with family. Appologize to the rice.— Chow Yun Fat

When your wife asks "do I look fat?" Do you reply:
  1. "Yeah, you could lose a few."
  2. "You look more beautiful than you ever did."
  3. "Wait, let me get my protective headgear."
— Darrell Hammond

The new alcohol warning label: If you can read this, then you are not done drinking yet. —

There's two types of people in the world: people who constantly have casual sex with lots of different strangers, and jealous people. — Ardal O'Hannlan

If you expect a kick in the balls and you get a slap in the face then it's a victory

If all the world is a stage and we're just actors, then I need to have a serious talk with the director about my motivation for this part.

[Washington Redskins owner Dan] Snyder claims he needs 8-foot walls enclosed by 10-foot fences to keep out deer. What, elite deer commando units? — Tuesday Morning Quarterback

The two most important things I learned from anime:
  • When you die, make a long speech, and don't finish the last sentence.
  • When someone paints up their face, they mean business.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

There are days when my own performance is so unimpressive I feel like filing a shareholder suit against the company on grounds that it employs me. — Joel Achenbach, Washington Post

Pain: A cat licking your sunburn.

Russell Crowe describes Gladiator as a movie "opening with a massive battle scene before moving on to a series of massive battle scenes which set the stage for a massive battle scene resulting in a final battle scene which I would describe as massive."

A new study has found that cigar smokers are twice as likely as nonsmokers to get cancer of the mouth, throat and lungs. And according to the exhaustive study, cigar smokers are more than nine times as likely as nonsmokers to "look like a total ass." — Daily Buzzsaw

Little known fact: The eleventh and least-publicized plague that God rained down upon the Egyptians was that "Not-so-fresh feeling" — Nick DeCamp

Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

What's the weather like up your own ass? — Even Step(v)hen, the Daily Show

Sideshow Mel: You only live once!
Apu: Hey, speak for yourself!

I'm like a blind, bored monkey with a killer imagination - Vertilgo

I just won an eBay auction.
By "won," I of course mean that I earned the right to pay more than anyone else was willing to for an item the seller didn't want.
Yay me. — Lore (L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg)

When you get right down to it, turkey is not a bad choice for a feast holiday. Turkeys are low fat, reasonably gigantic, and they make good cartoon characters for holiday specials. What cracks me up is the supposed scientific finding that gets bandied about this time of year that says that turkey contains a chemical that makes you sleepy, as if the people who had ham instead are out roller blading after dinner. When you consume your weight in buttered foodstuffs, you're going to feel a bit nappish, turkey or no turkey. — L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg

[This is what] separates the men from individuals who merely have X and Y chromosome pairs. — Gregg Easterbrook

'Cause I'm as low as I can get without kissing your ass and blowin' you at the same time — Laughing Colors, War on Drugs

Whatever happened to sex, drugs, & rock 'n' roll? Now we just have AIDS, crack, & techno — Laughing Colors, War on Drugs

"Negative feedback" is such an oxy-damn-moron — Mary Prankster, Part Deux

Now, what's meteorologist mean in English? It means liar. — Lewis Black

Socrates once said, "an unexamined life is a life not lived."
My dad once said "Booty: mm-mmm" — Titus

Dylan Thomas wrote "Do not go gentle into that good night, rage, rage against the dying of the light"
My dad wrote a poem too, "Dune buggies! Whooohoo!"
. . .
I could never get Erin into my extreme life, she even wrote a poem about it. It goes "Dune buggies! Aaaaggghhh!" and then it goes "Aaaaggghhh!"
It rhymes. — Titus

If Guys Rules The World
  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
  • It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
  • Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
  • Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
  • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
  • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

I knew that the weather in this country was completely out of control and that something was wrong, ten years ago. I was in Boston Mass. in February. Normally, in February in Boston and in most of the country, the weather is grey, rainy grey, sleet grey rain grey sleet, snow grey, everyday it just gets greyer and greyer and greyer. You wake up one day and you go "I'm not coming to work." Your boss goes "Why not, you sick?" "No, it's too grey! I dunno if it's dawn or dusk! I don't even know why the sun bothers to come out."
And then you wake up, and it's the greyest day you've ever seen. And the next day, it's even greyer! And that's usually Valentine's Day and that's the day you look at your wrists and go "Hey, maybe I should slit 'em, to see color."
But in that February in Boston . . . in four days I experienced five seasons. It was 30, it was 60, it was 90, it was 12! On the last day, there was thunder, lightning and snow . . . together! And I hadn't done drugs! Because when you're lying in bed and you hear thunder outside, and you get up to look, you have an expectation. And it's not snow, with lightning behind it. That's . . . not . . . right! They don't even write about that kind of weather in the Bible! And I imagine if a prophet had seen that kind of weather, after he wiped the poop out of his pants he'd have told us about it!
I was supposed to work that night and I said I'm not coming in, I'm scared to death. Cuz I know what the next season's gonna be: locusts. And there will come a time, mark my works, where there will be a season of just great big giant frogs that fall from the sky. Oh yeah, look at me like I'm nuts, you'll see Willard Scott . . . Willard Scott . . . he smiles so much I don't think he has a central nervous system. Willard Scott will be standing in front of the Washington Monument dressed in a chipmunk outfit, and giant frogs will be bouncing off his head. And he'll be going "Giant frogs, giant frogs, what can I say? Back to you." — Lewis Black

The only thing we've come up with to deal with the fact that we don't have an ozone layer is sunblock. And I don't trust that stuff at all. Why? Because the people who told us about sunblock are the same people who said eggs are good. And then they said eggs were bad. Then they said eggs are good. Then they said they were bad. Then they said the yellows were actually bad but the whites are MAKE UP YOUR MINDS! It's breakfast I gotta eat!
You'll find out about sunblock in a number of years. You'll find out that that's the reason you had cholesterol. They'll go "It wasn't the steak, it was the sunblock."
I don't use sunblock. What I use is Crisco. It's the best! You get a tub of it, it costs about a buck, ten. You can share it with everybody at the beach. And the great thing about Crisco is you never get burnt. 'Cause when you start to sizzle, you move your ass. — Lewis Black

The Postal Service is launching a new service to allow people to pay all their bills electronically online at its new web site, "" The post office will handle all the transactions and electronic security for the service, which uses the slogan, "Pay Your Bills On Time . . . Because We Know Where You Live, and We're Armed." — Daily Buzzsaw

Money can't buy happiness, but you can be sad in a better neighborhood.

We recently heard a live recording overlaid with a couple's conversation. The guy says: "I'm going to get another beer." The girl replies: "Why?" The guy: "There's no answer to that question." Underneath this you can hear us unwittingly serving as the background music. — John Linnell

[In NoVa] you cannot go anywhere, not even to your next-door neighbor's house, except by automobile. Pedestrians in Northern Virginia are arrested on sight, on suspicion of being prison escapees. — Joel Achenbach, Washington Post

Prediction: "[During the Bush administration] there will be more importance placed on emphasizing the power, strength and abilities of products as our country's armed forces recapture government (and public) acclaim."
Clinton-era campaign: Altoids -- "Curiously strong mints."
Possible Bush-era replacement: Altoids -- "Mints that will kick your ass." — Salon

Now you see that evil will always triumph . . . because good is dumb — Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

Head! Paper! Now! Move that melon of yours and get the paper if you can! Haulin' that gargantuan cranium about! I'm not kidding, that boy's head's like Sputnik! Spherical, but quite pointy in parts. — Stewart, So I Married an Ax Murderer

Stewart: William! Move your head! Look at the size of that boy's head!
Tony: Shhhh!
Stewart: I'm not kidding, that's like an orange on a toothpick!
Tony: Shh! You're going to give the kid a complex.
Stewart: Well, that's a huge noggin! That's a virtual planetoid! Has its own weather system! Head! Move! — So I Married an Ax Murderer

Vezzini: He didn't fall? Inconceivable!
Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. — Princess Bride

You mean you'll put down your rock, and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people? — Wesley, Princess Bride

Haha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is: Never get involved in a land war in Asia. Only slightly less well know is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! — Vezzini, Princess Bride

University President: You passed out cigarettes for a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day, you installed speed bumps on the handicap ramps, and most recently, you dumped a hundred pounds of . . . meat, on a peaceful vegan protest!
Droz: Oh, come on! That was way more than a hundred pounds! — PCU

That's the beauty of college these days, Tommy! You can major in GameBoy if you know how to bullshit! — Droz, PCU

I am not in love with my sadness. we're just dating. - Vertilgo

Droz: Well, here's all you need to know. Classes, nothing before 11. Beer, its your best friend, you drink a lot of it. Women, you're a freshman, so its pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car?
Tom: Uh, no.
Droz: Someone on your hall will . . . find them and make friends with them on the first day. — PCU

See this? It says NYPD and that means I will kNock Your Punk-ass Down! — J, MiB

Whooops! Hey! Lookout! I think you sat in some cottage cheese. Pardon me, that's your ass! — Tony Clifton

Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like those, I'd have to kick my own ass. — Happy Gilmore

Shooter: You're in big trouble pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
Happy: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast? — Happy Gilmore

We came . . . we saw . . . we kicked its ass! — Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters

Ray: I think we better split up.
Egon: Good idea.
Venkman: Yeah, we can do more damage that way. — Ghostbusters

Excuse me sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT, because if it leaks to the VC, you could end up an MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP. — Cronauer, Good Morning Vietnam

If it's being done correctly here or abroad, it's probably NOT being done by the Army. — Cronauer, Good Morning Vietnam

Cronauer as Walker Cronkite: Weather out there today is hot and shitty, with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow, a chance of continued crappy weather, pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass . . . — Good Morning Vietnam

Don't think twice. It's understanding that makes it possible for people like us to tolerate a person like yourself. — Ferris Bueller

Girl: Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious. — Ferris Bueller's Day Off

I don't even have a piece of shit! I have to envy yours. — Ferris Bueller

Debra: [to Gina] We're both screwed. At least you're used to it. — Empire Records

Joe: Why don't you hold these up to your chest, go over to the wall; and let them take some photographs of you?
Warren: Why don't you shove them up your ass?
Lucas: Because that would hurt a lot, Warren. — Empire Records

A.J.: What's with you Today?
Lucas: What's with today, today? — Empire Records

Julie: That's flesh that you're shoveling into your mouth. You know, that was like, a living, breathing creature, you know it probably had a name.
Marcus: It's just bologna. My bologna has a first name. — Bad Boys

You know, I have one simple request . . . and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. — Dr. Evil

DR. EVIL! I didn't spend six years in evil medical school to be called 'Mister' thank you very much. — Dr. Evil

This case, I think we have to go all out! I think this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture, be done on somebody's part! And we're just the guys to do it! — Otter, Animal House

When I finally met my online sweetheart PRINCESS_butterfly26 face to face, she was everything she had described and more. More bulges, more facial hair, more chromosomes. More of everything. Excluding teeth. Less teeth. — Nick DeCamp

A face without a smile is like a day without sunshine . . . but a smile without a face is something that will haunt you for the rest of your days. — Joe Martin

My parents used to tell me, "Don't run with scissors!"
If I had kids I'd tell 'em don't dance with wolves and don't run with magnets because you'll get stuck to the fridge. But you know kids, they have to learn everything the hard way and I'll have chewed up kids stuck all over the fridge making a royal mess. — Denise

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

Veterinarian's Office sign:
"All unattended children will be given a free kitten"

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."

If you spoke in grammatical sentences for 20 seconds on American television you could not help but begin to sound evil or sinister. — David Thomson

The best parties are the ones where you wake up wearing someone else's pants. — Nick DeCamp

If there is a nonessential phrase, you stick it in commas. Commas are the garbage bags of grammar. — some guy's high school English teacher

The Middle Ages were a great time to be alive, because if you weren't wiped out by the Plague or impaled by some marauding barbarian, then yippee. — Nick DeCamp

When people tell me about their problems, I try to help them not focus so much on all the negative stuff, and focus more on what's going on with me. — Nick DeCamp

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

I'm not older than dirt, but I remember when it was still under warranty. — Robert "Baloo" Dunehew

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
"No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."

One hamster had to be spoken to very harshly and was visibly upset for a few minutes, but THAT'S IT! I SWEAR! — Nick DeCamp

When in doubt, poke it with a stick.

The truth, as always, is more complicated than that. — Roger M. Wilcox

I don't just want you to feel envy. I want you to suffer, I want you to bleed, I want you to die a little bit each day. And I want you to thank me for it. – What "Let's just be friends" really means — John W. Braue, III

A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianity emerged. A billion Coca-Colas ago was yesterday morning. — 1996 Coca-Cola Company annual report

Where navigation is concerned, things have changed radically since the days of Columbus. Columbus departed for India and arrived in Santo Domingo. Today, if you catch a plane to India, you arrive in India. It's your luggage that goes to Santo Domingo. Aldo Cammarota

With all the advances in television technology, why is there still no "Everyone Gets Naked" button? — John Gephart IV

If you can't say anything nice about someone, say nothing. Then creep up behind them with a baseball bat and really let 'em have it. — John Gephart IV

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.

Help, I've fallen and I can't . . . Hey, nice carpet!

Forecast for tonight: Dark.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.

In the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark".

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

On an answering machine: this answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing). If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours.

Another answering machine: Hi! Dave's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

Smile, I could be behind you—on Police Motorcycle license frame

FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).

If you can read this, the bitch fell off. — on the back of a biker's T-shirt

We've secretly switched the dilithium crystals with new Folger's Crystals . . . let's watch what happens.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. The two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

1/7 of your life is spent on Monday

When you come to the fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

The more you run over a dead cat the flatter it gets.

If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

You have the right to an attorney . If you cannot afford an attorney , we will supply you with the stupidest , 1st year law student dumb-ass slacker we can find on the continent — Lethal Weapon 4

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

If you're the low man on the totem pole, just remember that if it wasn't for you the damn thing would fall over.

The difference between women and men is that women love their children. They know everything about them, including birthdays, allergies, likes and dislikes. Men are vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. — Dave Barry

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.

A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. — Jack Handy

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. — Jack Handy

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought "Where the hell is the ceiling?"

I went to a restaurant that was so expensive that they didn't have prices on the menu—just little faces with varying expressions of horror.

If you had a million Shakespeare's, would they write like a monkey?

Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. — Oscar Levant

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. — Charles Schultz

If you love something, set it free. Just make sure you're not near a freeway or anything. — Nick DeCamp

He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's coming to your name. He's laughing so hard, the elves have to get him his heart pills. — Nick DeCamp

It concerns me that I spend money on heavy-duty cleaning products that are designed to remove the residual "scum" left on my tub from a substance I rely on every day to cleanse and sanitize my own body. — Nick DeCamp

I think bumper stickers make cars look ugly and tacky. My idea for a bumper sticker is one that actually goes inside the trunk, and it would say something like, "If you can read this, you have x-ray vision." — Nick DeCamp

Most employers are looking for experience, training, leadership abilities—but I have something even better: a little monkey named Dr. Strangeballies. — Nick DeCamp

I believe that, someday, scientists will develop a rocket that can transport a person to the farthest reaches of our galaxy, and when this amazing feat of human ingenuity is accomplished, some courageous person will step aboard that glorious spacecraft and be shot into the deepest void of space, possibly never to be seen again, and I hope that person is Richard Simmons. — Nick DeCamp

You're pretty cute, you know, for the literary personification of the state of non-being. — Dot Warner

What if I'm just a figment of my penis's imagination? — Kyle McCowin

I'm calling the Organization of the United Brotherhood of It's None of Your Damn Business — American President

I hate Illinois Nazis. — "Joliet" Jake Blues

We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! — Peter Venkman

The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing. — Sir Ralph Richardson

Remember, when someone annoys you,
It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the jerk upside the head. — Langa List

My indecision is final. — Jake Eberts

It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards! — Lewis Carroll

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. — Emo Philips

I'm lost. I'm going to find myself. If I return before I get back, please ask me to wait. — L. Lionel Kendrick

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes, too.

Money isn't everything; but it's sure way ahead of whatever is in second place.

When you are a child, the scary sounds come from under your bed. When you are an adult, the scary sounds come from under the hood of your car. — Pieces of 4

We used to hate people. Now, we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way. — Dogma

It is a newspaper's duty to print the news and raise hell. — The Chicago Tribune (1861)

Acquaintance, n.:
A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. — The Devil's Dictionary

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy — The Devil's Dictionary

I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II." — Dave Barry

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. — Winston Churchill

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. — Matt Groening

He's got more degrees than a thermometer in the sun's ass. — Jimmy Kimmel introducing Ben Stein

One of the major functions of skin is to keep people who look at you from throwing up.

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. — TV listing for The Wizard of Oz

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. — Burt Bacharach

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. — Jeff Valdez

Everybody wants to get old, but nobody wants to be old. — Goethe

Mutant brain-eating cyborgs are bad for business — Battle Angel

I think I have it. A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense not to himself. — Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

Serious people have few ideas. People with ideas are never serious. — Paul Valery

Damn you Walt Whitman! I . . . hate . . . you . . . Walt . . . freaking . . . Whitman! Leaves of Grass my ass! — Homer Simpson

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back—or you can go out there and find your dog. — Homer Simpson

I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky. — Homer Simpson

If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. — Homer Simpson

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. — Sacha Guitry

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. — Arthur Schopenhauer

I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. — Alexander Harris

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
A) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
B) Advising the President.
C) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
— David Letterman

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

If God had intended for us to run around naked, he would have made our skin fit better. — Maureen Murphy

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. — Oscar Wilde

Go on, get out—last words are for fools who haven't said enough. — last words of Karl Marx

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. — Rita Rudner

Well, you have to admit they're good at what they do. But then, so was Hitler. — Mr. Johnny Cigarettes

Consider the lilies. While you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through all your stuff. — Jack Handey

If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie? — Jesse Garon

Whenever I have a birthday, I think back over the past year, how I've spent my time, what I've accomplished, what regrets I have, how I've tried to make the world a better place, and what exactly I've been doing with my life over the past 365 days, and I think to myself, "Man, I wish I'd gotten laid more." — R.M. Weiner

Before beginning any job, make sure you have the right tools. Study the following list of expletives, and make sure that you know how to use each one correctly. — Calvin & Hobbes

You're like a big ol' ball of bitch. — Ben Katz

If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? — Greg Sadosuk

If I had a dog, I'd train him to kill on command. And the command I'd use would be, "Is he friendly?" — R.M. Weiner

Remember kiddies, it isn't stealing. It's "creative relocation" - Vertilgo

It's never too late to do nothing at all. — Alan Ginsberg

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run! Death hates that.

Anything worth doing, is worth getting someone else to do.

Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die. — Klingon Proverb

Early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy and wealthy but socially dead — Yakko Warner

Good Morning' is a contradiction in terms.

. . . And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own. — TV News

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. — Jeff Marder

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. — Fletcher Knebel

He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll get his tricorder.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Life's short and hard, like a body building elf — Bloodhound Gang

If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask someone else first. — Nirvana

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. — Steve Martin

I might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. — Hecklers Online

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" — Dave Barry

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. — Robin Williams

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now! — Elwood Blues

It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a packet of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. — Elwood Blues

The use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved. — Dispatch Cop

Hell Hath No Pizza.

The cow is a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.

A harp is a nude piano.

There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. — Cynthia Heimel

I'm no stranger to hard work—more of a nodding acquaintance. — David G. Harris

Conformity is social suicide — Emerson

Courage is a virtue, corduroy is a fabric.

We should be thankful it doesn't rain farm animals.

This is not a question.
This is not the answer to the above question.

If you were alone in a forest and a tree fell on you would you feel anything?

Is "old news" a contradiction in terms?

Save your money for a rainy day; maybe the pizza guy will get stuck in a flood and you'll get a free pizza.

We knock on wood to scare the termites.

Knowing is half the battle, the other half is retreating.

Someone built a dam on my stream of consciousness.

A $1.25 box of Cheerios will float, but a million-dollar luxury liner won't.

Everything goes on forever since the fat lady retired.

Lick the hand that feeds you.

But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?

One purpose of a liberal arts education is to make your head a more interesting place to live inside of for the rest of your life. — Mary Pat McPherson

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. — Bumper Sticker

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? — Roseanne

Don't hate yourself in the morning—sleep until noon.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time. — Marilyn Monroe

I believe that every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises. — Neil Armstrong

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

A lie is terminological inexactitude. — Winston Churchill

You can name your salary here. I call mine Fred.

All we are, basically, are monkeys with car keys. — Northern Exposure

They could be fascist anarchists—that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -isms in my opinion are not good. — Ferris Bueller

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead. — Woody Allen

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. — Billiam Coronel

Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.

Save a tree: Eat a beaver

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. — M.C. Escher

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone. — Al Capone

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property." — Joan Rivers

Pizza is the four food groups!

Stick (n): A boomerang that doesn't work.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

My life needs a rewind/erase button. — Calvin

Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. — R. A. Dickson

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

Rules are for people who don't know how to get around them. — Tori Harrison

Winter is nature's way of saying "up yours".

The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! — Homer Simpson

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas? — Jean Kerr

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. — Joan Rivers

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. — Calvin

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist. — W. S. Gilbert

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity. — Karl Marx

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Assassins do it from behind!

Consciousness is an illusion that the brain constructs to simulate the world around us. — Nicholas Wade

I thought I had a great idea, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar. — Calvin

What mattered was them: Lucy and Dan.
"What matters is us," said Lucy, taking her cue from the previous sentence. "You and me." — Terry Jones

There was a brief silence that seemed to get up, stretch its legs, and then wander off into the night. — Terry Jones

He shall eat your Grapes of Wrath. And have the Cheese Tray of Spite. — Chris McCaleb

Give me my dignity . . . and while you're at it . . . give me my pants back too . . . — Sophizma

I'll need to see Harrison Ford do it in the movies first before I can incorporate it into my value system. — Chris McCaleb

I'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here is my—oh.
Shit, I'm a sugar bowl. — Mary Speed

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. — Woody Allen

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Never forget that 'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'.

Clones are people two.

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

MEN: No shirt, no service. WOMEN: No shirt, no charge.

Boldly going nowhere.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

To err is human, not to, animal. — Robert Frost

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria—they're the only culture some people have.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continued, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. — Sam Ogden

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If I build a better vibrator, they will come — Kat

If wishes were fishes, you and anyone else out there remotely like you would be dead and buried by now, 'cause boy howdy, do I have a lot of fish. — PsykoFish

That which does not kill you, isn't trying hard enough. — FelixELkat

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat. — Lily Tomlin

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. — Oscar Wilde

While it is a sin to think evil of others, it is seldom a mistake. — H.L. Mencken

Never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave. — Winnie the Pooh

Mediocrity: It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Let's not think of it as plagiarism.
Let's think of it as restating the classics. - Vertilgo

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had no legs? — Tom Cottrill

To alcohol—the cause of and solution to—all of life's problems — Homer Simpson

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. — Dan Rather

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. — Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. — Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room! — Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, it's too dark to read. — Groucho Marx

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. — Albert Einstein

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. — Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. — Dave Barry

I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. — Calvin

I like children. Properly cooked. — W.C. Fields

Time's fun when you're having flies. — Kermit the Frog

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die. — Mel Brooks

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together. — Carl Zwanig

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life. — Solid Jackson.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from. — Linus

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. — Carrie Fisher

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities. — Dr. Theodore Dreissel (Dr. Seuss)

Spandex is a privilege, not a right.

Eroticize Intelligence. — Erin Porter

By the year 2010 Lucky Charms will be completely marshmallows. — Chad Beck

Every time I think about Newt or see him on the tube I get phantom gallbladder pains. — Ben Beagle

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

Help wanted: Telepath . . . you know where to apply.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

Hard work never killed anybody . . . but why take chances?

There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.

Get thee down. Be thou funky.

Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Two wrongs don't make a right—three lefts do.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper.

If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments.

Love thine enemies . . . it really pisses them off.

Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

Earn cash in your spare time—blackmail your friends.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

A steak a day keeps the cows dead.

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies.

Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for.

Eagles fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Be alert . . . the world needs more lerts.

If you can't speak softly, just use the stick.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. — Thelonius Monk

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Individualists Unite!

I shot an elephant in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know.

You can't fall off the floor.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more things change, the more they stay the same; the more they stay the same, the more they suck.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Air is water with holes in it.

I wired my dryer backwards. Now it spits out extra socks.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Mother nature is a bitch.

In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Scary thought: When I get old, will there be "classic rap" radio stations? — RavenWord7

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then how come there aren't more struggling writers hanging out at the galleries? — Atani7

On the back of my credit card there is a number to call in case your card is lost or stolen. Thank god the company is smart enough to put that number on there, because if my card is ever lost or stolen I'm really going to need that number. Of course, I'll probably also need the card with the number on it. — Ndecisive1

always look on the bright side of thing, because you can't see a damn thing when it's dark . . . — Kat

Never put off 'till tomorrow that which you can do today . . .
If everyone in the world took this literally, we'd all be dead . . . — Bumppis

Collect some rust, put it in a bottle of chili powder, and give it away as a gift. — Bob

never let a rainy day get you down, that's what bills are for . . . — Kat

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. — Wilson Mizner

Life imitates art . . . beauty is in the eye of the beholder . . . excuse me, will someone hand me a shot gun? — Lisa

I know I'll never succeed in understanding life, but I still get something out of trying. — Lav ¤

I forgot to wear my watch again today. so I did a little math. you are 37 times more likely to look at your wrist if there is nothing on it. — MStout555

It's all fun & games until someone opens a portal into Hell.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. — The Oak Leaf

Sure, the truth hurts, but so does a machete. — Bloodguilt

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

My ability to be humble in the presence of my own greatness is an inspiration to others — RedOrDead

It is better to have loved and lost, than to be licked by clowns. — Jlbkwrm

I'm an enigma, or am I? — PTSNIPES

Quotation "marks" make ya sound so much "more sarcastic". — Astronia

"I guess I just blew my own cover"
I once tried to blow my own cover.
I am still seeing the chiropractor.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go into a corner and cry by myself for hours — PythOnline

If you're going to shoot a mime, it doesn't matter whether you use the silencer or not, because the bullet is going to ricochet off the walls of his invisible box anyway — SoupEater

I don't drink water, fish piss in it

I think Taco Bell should change their name to Makes You Blow Your Intestines Out Your Anus. Of course, the double stuff taco probably wouldn't sell very good anymore. — Snipes

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls. — Tansa

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

Today is a day for personal decision. For instance, either decide to drop some weight, or decide to rent advertising space on your butt cheeks.

My door says, "Go ahead and knock, I'm already disturbed." — Kira119

If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.

From: Ewstudios1
Definition of the universe (and three examples):
BIG ex: you can't fit it in the fridge
EMPTY ex: why else do you think they call it simply, Space!
COLD ex: Do you ever see anyone through the telescope at night? No? Well I'll tell you why. There aren't any jackets that'll keep you warm enough out there.
I don't really see why you'd want to go out there. It's like leaving a warm cozy bed to go to school in the morning.

From: Atani7
Many of you have probably wondered how I have all the luck with women. Well I'm here to teach you a few of the basic concepts on how to impress and seduce the women.
2-Never tell them they're fat . . . to their face anyway
3-Don't, I repeat, don't ever shoot them. This usually turns them off quickly and often leads to criminal proceedings.
4-Leave flowers on their bed. It is wise to make sure that the flowers are insect-free when doing this.
5-It's usually bad taste to introduce them to your ex . . . especially when you haven't released her back into the wild yet.
6-While humorous to some, first dates usually frown on seeing who can hit the concierge by firing after-dinner mints from the nasal cavity.
7-Sex on a first date is very simple, just make sure she didn't see you sneak away with the hooker.
8-Make sure she doesn't work in the criminal records department(obvious enough).
9-If you feel like it's time to make your move, make sure they don't see you sneak from the hedges to the door.
10-Hot wax is a fun toy in bed. Be careful however not to use it when soaked in gasoline.

From: Dante303
Didja ever start to say something and then realize that you didn't want to say that at all, but you had already started on the first syllable and people are expecting you to say something, so instead you turn what you were going to say into an unintelligible string of mumbo-jumbo that only a jibbering idiot would pretend to understand?


Meph: ::looking at a painting by Goya:: I think the juxtaposition of light and shadows in this piece is absolutely stunning.
Some Guy: Yeah, and it's a naked lady too!
Me: Waaaughheasebealateam.
Meph: Yes, exactly what I was thinking.
Some Guy: I'm still on the fact that it's a naked lady.

This page intentionally made ridiculously long for artistic purposes.

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